The Mama Chronicles

Dear full term babe,

I feel you kicking and squirming so much less now.  I think you are getting a bit crowded.  We are now in the home stretch.  You are full term now which means a lot less hassle if you come early before we get to California.  It is so different being pregnant with you.  I feel now that we are at the end that I had taken the time to exercise more and eat better.  That I had taken better care of myself and you.  I know you and I are healthy.  But, I feel bad for being distracted.  This may be the way it goes with a bigger family.  Being pregnant with you has been very emotional.  I have feel a little pulled in all directions.  I feel this way regularly with your sister and brother.  But, I have a plan and I think things will be calmer after you get here.  Separate from you I feel like I am maturing and growing so much.  That it feels like a lot is going on. 

I think the other thing I want to clarify with you is that even though we had planned on waiting to add to our family you are much loved.  This baby planning business is hairy in that way.  The words unplanned or unexpected can have such negative conotations.  What I have learned from the birth of your sister is that each of you, our children, have been a gift.  A gift and a blessing.  Really each one of you has come at such a time in my life that I felt the affirmation and love and blessing and encouragement in every area of my life.  I wonder as I wait to meet you what you will teach me.  I am open to the possibility that I may not be able to go to school in the Fall.  That the right thing may be to stay home with you and delay becoming a nurse midwife.  If it had not been the surprise of having your sister I would have never known that I was meant to be a midwife in the first place.  So it is not a bad thing to sit holding your baby and wait for better timing for things like school and such.  I know now as a mother of 2 and you that this is the blessing of motherhood to witness what goes by so quick.  So I do not at all feel like it is a sacrifice in the long run but more a gift.  A gift of time and maturity and more life experience.  I wanted to tell you all this because the fact is you were not planned and you will change our lives.  But, you are meant to be in our family and it is bearing unknown gifts that you come.  So be well baby, I love you.  I will see you soon.  Face to face. 
Love, Mom
PS. According to an online source you are now, at 37 weeks, the length of swiss chard and weigh about 6.5 pounds.  I would guess knowing us that you are that long but maybe a little lighter. 

Rounding third with baby number 3!

Dear baby,
I know I haven't been keeping you at the forefront of this blog lately so I wanted to publicly and memorably shout out a hello. We are officially in our third trimester. You and I we will soon be two people. I am not one of those mamas that LOVES being pregnant. I think I more love being in the miracle and the honorary carrier of your life. You baby, you seem a bit cramped. Or you seem to be really enjoying yourself one of the two. Every night as I tuck myself into bed with Oliver's feet in my back and Lacy on the floor on a mattress next to me and Daddy so far away on the bed that he could be in another room, you start to have party. You kick and squirm and seem very pleased. I am going to miss that. Carrying a baby is a bit like carrying a secret. One that is internal that you get to decide how much to share. How different it will be when you join us. When everyone will be asking to hold you and our only secret alone time will be middle of the night nursings. I am excited to meet you face to face. But, as uncomfortable as I am at times, I am not in a rush. For everyone's sake I hope you aren't either. We have to make it all the way to California before you can come. So hold off until your due date. Please. I am a little nervous about how you will fit into our family. Will you get all the love and affection you need having to compete with two older kids? Will you be able to escape babyhood with minimal damage, I should tell you now that your brother and sister are a bit on the daredevil side? Will I be able to help you find your place? I know you will be so different from all the rest of us. Our family is sort of like a spider-web. Each of us is so different but we intersect and overlap in just the right places. Or maybe we are like open work lace and each strand added in makes the creation more intricate and beautiful. I am excited to see what you will bring. Three babies! How lucky I am, a little scared too.
You will only have honorary aunts and uncles. This sibling thing is something your dad and I know nothing about. So know that we are learning just as much as you. As with your brother and sister I have some of the same dreams for you. I hope that you are good friends with your brother and sister, I think family can be one of the best gifts. Hopefully we aren't too crazy to mess that up. I hope you grow up to be yourself. How ever you define that. That we as your parents don't get in your way. That we are able to guide you and protect you, but not to ever keep you from who you are meant to be. I hope you grow up to be happy and healthy. That you find peace and fulfillment in whatever you do and that discouragement is just fleeting and never permanent. I hope we are good parents to you. It can be so hard to navigate these early years. I hope that we are able to give you all the love you want, more love than you need, and much more than is required.
I love you baby, and will be ready to meet you when the time's right!
Love, Mom
PS. Could you be a little more clear on your gender? I was so sure you were a girl and now I am thinking maybe you are a boy. Any help? Before I force you to wear the dresses in my mistakenness.

This... Right Here

Well baby, I am at a crossroads. This. Right Here. This blog. This is the special thing I am doing for you this pregnancy. Brother and Sister each got something special. For Sister who was first, it was pictures in an almost real studio while pregnant. For Brother, it was an amazing belly sculpture of his womb home at 37 weeks. For you it is this. But, at the same time I hope you will forgive how much I miss my blog. So instead of only posting about you I need to open this space back up to myself. So, I have big expectations for you. I am hoping as an adult when you read these posts you are more enamored with who I really was instead of just the mundane details I try to limit to here. That you have a broad perspective of the journey of life and how many different factors make up a person. I hope that you will have forgiveness. Because as you are about to find out I am so much less than perfect. This is the hard irony for me that every morning before I get out of bed I seem to have taken myself out of the running for mother of the year. I see the other moms around who I am sure are shoe ins. But, also, I see their lives and they seem to be missing something. Me I am not missing anything. I have all the angst and frustration of an adult survivor of a dysfuntional home and all the benefits too. I am still figuring things out. I think I must be about as human as they come. So here I am your mom. I am sure at some point you will idealize me like we all seem to do as children. But, when you grow up and really look at me and see all my flaws I hope you will celebrate them and how they have helped you grow and become the adult you will be. But, for right now I am going to share my whole self with you because it is lonely here in Ohio and I miss having these connections in the outside world, that to me will help me survive this time in this far away place that is not home. I love you and am glad you are my child. I can't wait to meet you. Love, Mom

Thank you little baby,

Thank you for joining our family when we weren't expecting you. Thank you for making us 5 instead of 4 and thank you for the little sister or brother you will be. We can't wait to pass you around the table a year from now! Love, Mom
Happy Thanksgiving Baby!

baby number 3 Or, Oh, WOW wasn't expecting that...

Today was a big day. It started out not so big. But tonight I can't sleep and have been thinking of what I am going to do special for the next gragg baby. And this is it. For baby number 1 we had portraits taken at 36 weeks. For baby number 2 we had a beautiful belly sculpture made at 36 weeks. And for this baby. I am going to chronicle my pregnancy here with all of you.

So today I found out I am pregnant. It looks like this all began sperm to egg on the 7th of October. So still very early. Still in that "don't tell anyone zone..."

This morning I felt a little nauseous during my oatmeal and I thought...Hmmm...then there was crying last night during a home showing of Eight Below. So as we swung by Target for other stuff I grabbed the pink box of little pee sticks. I bought the expensive three pack because hey, I probably am not pregnant and I'll have some on hand for the next time I get that silly notion that I'm knocked up. We went to Costco and had lunch, which I couldn't eat, and I thought hey, maybe...but no. On the way home I chatted with the new daddy who is also the old daddy of the older two and mentioned how emotional I am and how I think it must be PMS to which he said the crazy thought lurking in the back of my mind. SO, home I went. And, right before going to school I peed on the stick and what do you know two pink lines.

Tonight is the late night at school. Like 10pm late so I knew I wouldn't get to tell daddy-O until late... so what's a girl to do but leave it by dear husband's tooth brush.

The verdict. We are thrilled. I really want a big family. But, since I started back to school this Fall I am a little worried about what it means about my master plan to become a nurse midwife. But, these things always have a way of working themselves out when you decide to focus on the blessings. So we are thrilled but in that overwhelmed this is all so new and life changing kind of way.

So Baby number 3 we are so glad you are on your way!