The Mama Chronicles

Needing to have less

(this photo is of a coat rack our friends painted and carved for Lacy as a gift.  When we lived in the 80 year old house we couldn't hang it on the plaster walls.  This is one huge benefit to a new house I guess.  You can nail something up every 6-8 inches.)

Lately, I have found myself needing to have less.  Not that I feel like I need less or that I have gotten rid of a lot of things but that I have this need to simplify.  I have this desire to have less.  To have peace.  Which is funny in a way because I am in the process of getting ready to make all of our lives more complicated with the birth of a third child.  But, I notice when we clean a room, that I feel better.  I think relationally my life has more peace now than it has had in a few years.  Maybe it is from this emotional peace that I am starting to want to have peace in all areas of my life.  This is, I think, the blessing of my thirties that I am able to stop living in a chaotic way.  For the last 3 years we were in California we were always two weeks away from being relocated with Ryan's company.  I think this frantic unknown started to take hold in so many ways.

The other place I see this simplicity calling to me is in my desire to have rhythms.  I have been reading a book called Beyond The Rainbow Bridge that is essentially a how to on Waldorf for the first 7 years of your child's life in your home.  Although I do not subscribe to Waldorf in a lot of ways I am seeing the need of my children, especially Lacy to have more rhythm and and be able to tune in to the high energy times by recharging with low energy times.  The breathe in and breathe out of Waldorf education.  In the past I have known parents who are very strict with schedules.  I notice with these kids that they get very upset when their routine is modified slightly.  I think as a young parent I avoided routines and schedules for this reason.  I only saw the extreme.  Also, when I was having Lacy and Oliver the big thing to do in our church was Babywise, which has been shown to be so bad for kids.  So I wanted to not have any schedule or routine.  I wanted my kids to feel free.  But, as we clean out and prepare for another baby I see that our "freedom" has become restricted by what we own and by not following the kids natural emotional and physical rhythms and cues.  I think part of this realization took root when Lacy turned four and it became apparent that she had to have a nap, every day.  She hadn't napped since she was 2 and 3/4.  Something about turning four though changed that.  She is once again outgrowing naps but I see how for her these are a much larger scale of the breathing in and breathing out times utilized in Waldorf day schools. 

As for me, I need some rhythm.  What I really need are some anchors that I can depend on each day.  Ways to keep up and feel centered.  I need to have and find a rhythm to housekeeping and eating in order to be able tune into the patterns my kids and I have so that I will notice more quickly when my kids need more or less sleep.  This is instead of the scratching my head and wondering why my child has become a little troublemaker and worrying that they are doomed to a life of juvenile court and lonliness, before realizing, Oh yeah, they need 3 more hours of sleep per day now.  It reminds me of when they were babies and we would have few nights where they had trouble sleeping and were nursing all night and I would think this baby is never going to let me sleep again.  And then bleary eyed a few days later I would look down and see the runny nose and the beginning of a cold, or the tooth that starts coming through.  I think the chaos and the stuff makes it hard sometimes for me to tune into these things and I end up feeling like I am one step behind. 

The other thing that I really like in this book is that she talks about focusing on the task you are doing.  If you are washing the dishes she says you should pay attention to that and not be frantically rushing through and preoccupied with what you are going to do next.  Let me tell you right now being SO pregnant this is SO hard for me.  I am perpetually thinking of the next thing I have to do before we leave for CA to have the baby.  I am thinking of the next thing I need to get done before I have a newborn again.  I am pretty preoccupied all the time.  So, this calls to me.  As a way to start.  To be present and engaged in the task I am doing.  That is what is going on here. 

I am going to be very sporadic on the blog.  I have gotten very uncomfortable and have a lot of nesting I need to do before we fly the nest.  We leave in 2 weeks.  I am trying to learn self hypnosis for the birth  and as a way to not worry if we will be in the right place with Ryan there for the birth.  I think this pregnancy has been the hardest one because of all the legal issues with midwives here in Ohio and the result being that I have to do my own prenatal care and am lacking the emotional support that is so important in pregnancy.  It has been a really rough road and I am just now realizing the impact on me as a mother.  Having midwifery skills does not make me able to give to myself as care provider.  It means I can take all the necessary measurements and vitals but not that I can just be the mom worrying and emotional.  I think that I will feel a really big relief when the baby is in our arms and I am able to just be a mother.  It will be great to get to be taken care of as we wait for the baby in Ca and have someone else do my blood pressure, listen and palpate the baby and monitor all the diet and other things.  My other reason for absence is that I need to start journaling.  Everything is great here I just am in that really introspective huge pregnant big as a house phase.  :)

A Whole New World

Well, parenting a 4 year old is completely different than parenting a 3 or under!  I find myself getting really frustrated and protective.  When Lacy was little we never worried about how the other kids would influence her.  Now I look at her and I see this little sponge who I am trying to keep away from things like Disney Princesses, commercialism, favoritism, meanness, and tattling.  This past year though a lot of her little friends began preschool and what I have noticed with every one of these little girls is that they now tattle and whine.  That they have a best friend and play at being exclusive.  These were things I didn't used to need to correct in Lacy.  But, what do you do when it is all around her now?  I understand the necessity of this behavior when you are in a preschool setting.  But, some of this behavior is exactly why we have chosen to homeschool.  I realize three major problems and they are mostly with me.
1)  I am becoming one of those parents who sees the best in my child and wants to protect her, mainly from growing up. (I also am siding with her in some times when I should be parenting.)
2) I want my child to play with only the types of kids that are like her.  Which would only happen if we got her a mirror because even her brother is not like her.
3) I am going to need to let her grow up and learn that different people act differently and stand back and watch when they are telling her they don't like her and don't want to be her friend. 

Granted most of our problems are with little girls.  Our homeschool group is mostly little boys, and the problem there is that they are all play fighting and Lacy has expressed a desire to not be around them because they kick and such and also can be mean. 

I think as a parent I had this image of her playing with other kids in a very hippie loving sort way.  But, I am a parent in conservative Ohio and I do feel like here violence is a little more valued among boys and that girls are seen as needing to be a little submissive, a little whiny, etc.  We had parenting problems with Lacy and friends when she was little and those problems are still there.  She was overly friendly.  She would run up to kids and hug them.  This for most kids this crosses a lot of personal boundaries.  The one place we took her to play and noticed the same behavior was in a very "hippie-ish" area of the Bay where she went to a park.  She played the same way the other kids did.  I think the hardest part in all this is that at times I have to say, out loud, that the other child doesn't want her included and that she needs to find someone else to play with or that I will play with her.  The look on her face in that moment is horrible.  And maybe I am not handling this right.  I feel the rejection right there with her!  But, then there are some kids I want to have her reject too.  Like the little girl who always gets in trouble and then blames her, even when I see who was actually at fault (It has taken me a while to not blame Lacy first when these "incidents" occur.)  Or the little girls who whine all the time.  I really want her at times to just walk away.  But, a part of me knows she is going to have to keep dealing with different people in order to learn how she wants to be! 

I think the hardest part for me in all this is that little girls are carrying real purses with lipstick and such, watching High School Musical at 3, and having very adult themes integrated into their lives.  I see some of these being brought to Lacy and 4 for me is too young for trying to be sexy, trying to talk about boys, etc.  And really here I feel like I am right.  We are making our girls grow up way too early.  There is something about innocence that is not valued and protected in our culture.  So, this last piece makes me wonder how I can have her play with neighborhood kids, and kids in the park and not have that be pushed out of her.  Luckily we talk a lot, although lately my temper and imapatience at being a huge pregnant woman have started to shut her down a little.  So I talk to her about why we don't buy everything Dora and why she doesn't get to watch certain movies, about why she doesn't wear halter tops, etc.  I try to talk to her about why we are homeschooling about how we have looked into all the options and we are lucky enough to be able to do this for her and really it is best for now.  That last one falls on deaf ears.  (All the kids she knows go to preschool or daycare, and she thinks that would be great.  She doesn't really get that their parents drop them off though.)

Sorry this is so disjointed and rambly.  I am actually really sad over here about this and it isn't coming out the way I want it to.  I am also feeling a little bit like I am betraying our kiddos by having another baby and giving them even less of myself.  So this is sort of a loaded post.  But, something I wanted to share.  Because obviously many parents have survived these same situations and come out on the other end with sweet, strong, individual children.  So how did you do it?  How do you protect your children and send them out into the world.  How does this work?  How do you handle friend problems?  What books have helped you?  What tactics do you use?

Good Job!

Well, I have sort of reached the end of my processing about praise. I think the biggest part of thinking, reading, and evaluating praise for me was looking and becoming aware of my own behavior. What I noticed was that I say "Good Job" a lot more than I thought. If the utterance of "Good Job" had to be correlated with anything it would be the tone of our day. Specificlly how frustrated everyone has been and how tired everyone is. I feel this need personally to have my kids hear positive utterances more than negative reinforcement. So on days where I am at my last bit of patience the words "good job" flow like little offerings toward better days and hopefully a feeling in adulthood that my children will look back and think they were "good." In thinking about my own childhood...I was "bad." I heard this a lot too. Part of parenting though, especially for me, is to separate out the parts of my childhood that were so dysfunctional that they need to be worked through and forgotten about, from the parts that need to be passed on. I have grown up to be fairly well adjusted, so I am not whining here, nor am I a victim. But, when I was growing up what I heard most from my mom was that she wished I had never been born. How terrible I was, and how she didn't like me. This started at like age 2. After my parents divorced there were many times where it was her turn for custody and some big blow up would happen. She would call my dad and tell him how awful I was and how she didn't want me. Then she would drive me to his house and stop only long enough to let me get out. Obviously, there were bigger issues at play. But, some of her feelings were very normal for parents, in miniscule doses of what she felt. So I find the most "good jobs" coming out of my mouth on days when I wish I could get away for the weekend, alone. Or when I really don't want anyone to say anything else to me. Silence is sometimes golden! I try to compensate by not engaging and encouraging with random positive sayings. That is how I try and feel like I am not such a bad parent for wanting some me time.

OK, there is the observation. Does that make it right? No, I don't think so. Because while it is easy to focus on these low energy days. They are not very often. My kids will grow up with a sense that they were "good." This is because they are good kids and because we really do mostly focused encouragement. So I am trying to do "time- ins" on really bad days or just accept that this is my baggage and that the reality is that my kids are surrounded by love and lots of joy. They are very secure in who they are even though Lacy asks for encouragement. So I am trying to be aware of my mood and my motives and take life more as a whole instead of individual moments. I am trying to drop the "good job."

The other big place I noticed good job was coming out was when there was a very negative behavior like say, kicking a sibling in the chest...twice. I would notice later that this same sibling would be helping the other one to build a train track or using words to express frustration. Not wanting to let the good behavior go I would shout a "good job!" I was using good job here to encourage positive behavior. We have strategies for teaching how to interact that are pretty good, but I wanted to try and encourage these kinder acts. What I have started to do here is to say thank you. Thank you for helping Oliver while I am cleaning the kitchen. Thank you for accepting that we are not buying toys at the grocery store even though you really wanted it. Thank you. We talk a lot in our house about how feelings are OK and how to treat other people. Thank you seems more appropriate. I don't overuse it, but, it is necessary. Because when we are kind and when people are kind to me that is what I say. I really appreciated the discussion about praise because it made me think about how praise is used in my house, about it's roots, and about substitutes. If you have though about this over the last month tell me where you came out. for whatever reason this hit at a really necessary time so my processing was more in depth.

Aren't you so proud mama?

I have been doing more reading on praise. This issue of praise keeps coming up in my house.

Today Lacy did something and asked, "Aren't you proud of me mama?"
I responded as I usually do and said, "Aren't you proud of yourself?"
My husband was standing right there and he very discreetly said, "She needs to hear that you are proud of her."

This comment sort of jolted me. Not because of what he said but because of what I believe about a lot of things. I have a core belief that children, our bodies, and other undomesticated things ask for what they need. I think this started for me when I was nursing and nursed on demand. This philosophy sort of permeates a lot of different areas of my parenting. I have to be reminded of this concept though and I don't think it is a hard and fast rule. For instance, my children ask for candy and I don't think that they need candy. So, it takes a little discernment on my part to see their needs from wants. Needs aren't always verbalized either. For instance a week before Lacy's 4th birthday she had started really battling at bed time. It wasn't until after her birthday, like the next day, that I asked her if she wanted to start sleeping with mommy again. The decision was made and she moved back in bed with us. She had been sleeping on her own for about 8 mos. (That was her second period of wanting to sleep on her own, the first was around 2 years old.) What I noticed was that she began behaving very differently during the day. She was more compassionate, she was more at peace, and she was getting less frustrated. This isn't always the answer to behavior problems, but in this case it changed a lot of our day and interaction. She communicated a need that I had to discern with my intuition.

We also have chosen to school this way. Waiting until our children show interest or ask. I am anxious for Lacy to read, right now she is not interested though. Experts will tell you that a lot of romantic relationships fail because partners do not communicate their needs. Sexual satisfaction is linked to meeting needs and verbalizing those needs to your partner. So as Ryan is telling me that Lacy needs to hear that I am proud of her...I think...yes, she does, she is communicating a need. In a way I am ignoring that need that by answering her request with a question. I do not want Lacy to depend on making me proud. But, I want her to be secure in my unconditional love and in my unwavering support. So maybe she is needing to ask because she is not hearing it at other times. I am doing some reading on praise right now. One is an article on discipline because I believe that is the flip side of praise. Which are both based on loving guidance.

Rewards and Praise

Instead of hitting

5 Reasons to Stop saying "Good Job"

Can Adults Praise Too Much

(The view from my computer, yes, he is a lefty. It is really dark here too, by the way!)

People Join the sisterhood of motherhood...

or shut up. Honestly. I am sorry. But motherhood. It. is. hard. Like really hard. It is a very insecure place this motherland that I navigate. And there is no map. Someone said that before when they titled their book mothering without a map. I was the best mom before I had children. No joke I could look at children having tantrums in public and know exactly how the parents should respond. Then I was pregnant and knew exactly how women should birth. Then I knew whether women should circumcise or not. Then I had this beautiful colicky baby in arms all the time. And I couldn't comfort her. And some lady cut me off on the freeway. And I said "she might have had a hard day with a baby that won't stop crying either." And for the first time...I think I learned grace. And what I have learned with a second baby that refused anything except intact nursing for the first 13 mos. of his life was RESPECT. Grace and respect. And why as a mom don't I see other moms extending that to each other. Why do I see and hear moms cutting each other down. Now I have a friend whose daughter has some developmental issues and I have learned that motherhood is about celebration, survival, and doing the best you can. But, the biggest thing that gets in the way is other mothers. And today, as I saw this happening again in the mothering group I am in, I just said...No more. No more seeing other people treat each other this way. I used to lead a racial and gender reconciliation bible study. (The church is in big need of things like that) Anyway, I used to say, and still do, that to listen to racial jokes or gender jokes is to join in the oppression. I realize now as a mother that to watch and sit back and see mothers cut each other down is to ruin mothering. Because honestly, when I have done this, (and unfortunately I too have judged other mothers, good mothers who just did things different from me,) it has always stemmed from my insecurities. Like when I wasn't spanking and my 1 and a half year old daughter was biting and pinching me. And so I would criticize parents who spanked. And I felt no better. Well maybe for a second. But, my problem didn't go away. And so I parent differently from 90% of American culture. My children, they sleep in my bed, I try not to let them watch tv (big battle with the other grown ups in my house), I homebirth, I don't circumcise, I extend my breastfeeding (into college by the looks of it), I try to nonviolently communicate, I unschool, and I don't spank (except when my temper got bigger than life) and you know what...I MAY NOT BE DOING THIS MOTHERING THING RIGHT!!! I am doing it the way that works best for my children, I am doing it the way I can. But, the longer I am a mother the more I realize that it is OK to parent differently. I really like it when I am around parents that parent the same way. But, we need to get in this together and there is room for all of us. Blogging is probably not the best forum for this because the people who would want to tear me down don't really come here. But when a mom needs to post about her pregnancy and ask not to get horror stories told to her, and then another blogger needs to respond in hurtful ways about this mom on her own blog...It makes me want to say enough. So ENOUGH!!! Join the sisterhood. This mothering thing it is not easy. But, if we stop looking and criticizing others than we can make it through those long crying nights, and maybe just, maybe, we can do it with friends. So, I am really sorry if you have had a really bad birth, or a great one, but on behalf us preggos, please just wish us well. We ask for advice when we need it. For us moms with kids that aren't perfect, please just wish us well and give us a hug as our child throws things out of the grocery cart because they need to have a tantrum and their emotions are too big to contain. Please moms, lets help each other through this. It is OK that you parent differently. It is OK that we are not the same people. That is why I have my babes and you have yours. When I take care of my friends children I realize how much I was meant to get my kids and not someone else's. It is OK to say you don't know if you are mothering right and then say "but this is how I need to try it" And the response sisters: "OK, well this mothering thing it is not easy, and I got your back!!!"
SISTERS, I GOT YOUR BACK!!! But, when you start tearing other moms down, you may look back to see that I was the one that got hurt and am not there. Remember mothering is

Many different things in different homes

One sisterhood

Togetherness

Hugs

Empathy

Respect

Indebtedness

Nice words

Grace

for our kids, for ourselves, and for each other.
(Obviously I am not supporting parenting practices that damage bodies, spirits, or are illegal. But, honestly this is a very small percentage of us mommies. And even more so even those mothers that shouldn't be able to raise their children are still human beings and deserve empathy, love, and compassion.) I feel like I need to figure out how to make one of those buttons and start a crusade getting mothers to pledge to join the sisterhood. But, in losing the only community I had in Ohio today, I don't have the energy.
Moms I have appriciated:
Cory, Melissa, Julie, Mason, Melissa, Nancy, Monique, Lori( I hope it is OK I linked to you in this post Lori, let me know if not), Linda, Kristi, all the mamas at the little people swap (who have been no drama at all!) and so many more, I could go on and on. But, I wanted to end on a positive note. Thank you for accepting me as a mom, for helping me when I ask for it, and for using kind words toward me!

I have been thinking more about praise and reading your comments. Besides the mama drama in playgroup, and going to the IKEA grand opening at 3am this week (we were like #130 in line but got only a 10 dollar gift card, a buy one get one free coupon for cinnamon rolls, really cold, and then sunburned), it was midterms and I want to think through a post instead of jumping up on an emotional soapbox like here. Brain, Child also had an article on rewards I want to read first.

A retrospective: Me back when I knew everything about parenting and wasn't even pregnant yet, that would be another 4 years off (with Steve, a friend) circa Fall 2000?

Blizzard hits Ohio!

No joke. A blizzard hit Ohio this weekend. It is over now. What is an actual blizzard? A severe snowstorm with strong winds and limited visibility. For us that meant 12+ inches in 24 hours. And being literally snowed in. Day 1: Lacy declared naked time. No joke. This hasn't happened since she was two. But, she talked Oliver into following suit. So we let him run around diaper free. When they started wrestling Ryan did ask if maybe this was going a bit far. But, it was all very innocent. I wonder if I will ever be comfortable running around naked again? I did close all the blinds though. I mean come on, we live in the most conservative county in Ohio, not in Ca anymore. No pics of day one. I do have limits. Then day two we stayed in our pajamas and made baked potato soup. This was my favorite soup when I waitressed at Bennigan's. Lacy went out in the snow a lot with snow clothes over PJs. Then last night she asked to wear daytime clothes to bed since we wore PJ's all day.

I had thought, when we were still living in CA, that being snowed in would yield great productivity. I pictured myself sitting at the sewing machine or knitting by the fire. I saw mountains of finished products and time used wisely. All to the backdrop of snow falling softly outside. Ummm, this was not my reality. The snow, and so much of it sent me into sort of a funk. I didn't do anything. I didn't study, clean house, or even go near my knitting or sewing. I did rip out the half I had knitted in the second leg of the baby pants. (Apparently an Addi turbo size 6 does not equal a Clover size 6 needle.) What I did do was cuddle a lot. With my kids, with my husband, with the new baby. And I thought a lot. I came to the conclusion that I feel like I am in a really good place right now. Spiritually, emotionally, mommily, wifely, and in life. I also let as much light into our house as I could because I felt winter type depression coming on. In the end, the blizzard thing was sort of overrated. Maybe I will do better next time!

One of the things I thought about was praise. I was sort of forced to think about it. At our unschooling meeting on Thursday we talked about it quite a bit, or maybe it just stuck out quite a bit. Then I read about it on Lori's blog. It was one of those things where you feel like saying, out loud, in a very strong voice, "OK, I will ponder this!" I thought a lot about my own kids and about myself. I feel like I never pleased my dad. In all honesty. Like I never measured up. I am an only child so this wasn't due to siblings. Also, I must say, I have a wonderful father. He has supported me even when he disagrees with me. I know he doesn't agree, but I also know that he is still my dad. But, it just never felt/ feels like enough. I received lots of affection from my dad, so that's not it. But, I think verbally, maybe I heard more no or more not like that, or this way than you keep going along your path. At least that is what I felt like what I heard most of. I made very big decisions based on what I thought would impress my dad. The one day I felt like I did totally impress him was when I graduated from college. But, in reality, I obtained a degree I will never use. In a subject that interests me but holds none of my passions. When you have one parent who is bipolar and alcoholic I think you really look to the other parent for what is normal and what it good. I think maybe I needed to hear more about what a neat person I was. From my mom I only ever heard genuineness in her voice when she was telling me how much she hated me. I don't think my dad realized he had an extra burden. So, now, as an adult, I am learning to do things for me. What this has to do with praise is: I really don't think that overpraising is the only thing that leads to creating a child who wants to seek praise, who makes decisions for others. I think under-praising can do this. I think that children will actually seek more praise if they don't get enough.

So what about me as a parent? For my kids I really tried for a long time (Not that long, my oldest is 4) to not praise, to not reaffirm and to not criticize. But, then I had this daughter who would ask for praise. She would ask me if I thought she was beautiful, and she would ask me if I thought she had done a good job. She would ask if I was proud of her. This broke my heart. I realized, not praising was not the way to go. I also am learning that she is a lot like me. So the balance I have found is to praise her. Not too much and not for socially acceptable things. I don't praise her for behaving or for doing what I want. I praise her for being willing to do her own thing, for being her own person. I tell her that she sure is a funny kid and that she makes me happy. I try to praise her like this when she hasn't done anything. Just randomly try to turn to her and say something like "Your jokes really make me laugh" or "it is a lot of fun to listen to your stories." I try to not make it about achievement or about things I want her to do. I try to make it about encouraging what I already see in her. I don't tell her that she is really is good at things she isn't, I see this, and have read about doing this, in order to get kids to do more of that thing. It is a hard balance. I don't think I over praise because she doesn't get praised everyday, it is not a clockwork thing. On our hardest days she probably gets a little more praise than on our easiest days. I think this is a result of my internal coping mechanisms. When she is being very 4, I think to all the things that have me happy in the past. I try to stop focusing on the fact that she is hitting her brother, dumping out her toys, ripping books, and driving me crazy. This praise thing is a hard deal. But, I think that children are also very smart. I think they know what is genuine and what is not. We live a very genuine life here. I think each family needs to find their own way. But, I don't want any parent to ever feel like they can not tell their child how great they are for being them. Which was where I was headed when my daughter was a toddler. What do you think? Go on over and join the discussion at Camp Creek Press or start a dialogue here if you want. I don't have any of the answers. I am muddling through too!

Baby is 24 weeks today, the length of a large corn cob. Very exciting. I am starting to get that question. You know the one "Are you having a boy or a girl." I just say I think it is a girl. I will in reality never see the people who ask again. I really do think it is a girl and I am not comfortable explaining why I am not getting prenatal care. As I gestate though I get stronger and stronger girl feelings. I feel more and more connected this babe. I respect more and more that the relationship between mother and child is so special. My husband would not want to carry a baby through pregnancy. But, I sure think he misses out on a lot. I hope you have a very peaceful day. I think that is what the blizzard brought me most of all!

And here are my three favorite blogs for very different reasons:
the first is Melissa's because she is one of my dearest friends.
Mommies Think Too
She is a recent blogger so go by and say hi.

The second is Camp Creek Press because I feel like it is really in tune with our family. Where we watercolor daily and draw all the time. And I also feel like her art lessons incorporate nicely into our unschooling.
Camp Creek Press

And the last is one that I started always reading when she posted her home summer camp last summer. I think this blog does a good job of mixing craft, with parenting, with the rest of life.
Two Straight lines

I checked these blogs this weekend and only these blogs when I was avoiding the snow!

Haircuts and Library books

There are some things I love about being a mom and some I hate. My top two hate things would have to be haircuts and clipping baby fingernails. I hate haircuts because they always seem to make my babies grow up in by years in the passing of a few moments. Oliver got his first haircut. And while he now looks handsome. He also looks SO different. Lacy, also got a haircut. Usually we do her hair at home. But, I really needed to watch someone else cut boy hair before attempting it on my own. Boy hair is a whole different learning curve. I didn't want Lacy to feel left out so we got her hair cut at the fancy children's place too. We are still trying to catch up from her scissor adventure 11 mos. ago when she whacked off a chunk towards her scalp right in the front. We are about 1/2 an inch away now. Haircuts are so hard for me that Oliver waited 13 days shy of his 2nd birthday before going under the scissor. Now he is boy. They grow up so soon.

As much as I hate to see my little ones grow up. I have to admit that we are having a lot of fun. We usually go to the library every other week. We have started picking up seasonal picture books and holiday picture books. We are reading a lot about snow. As much as I also have a hard time being in Cincinnati the Hamilton County Library is absolutely the best. I have been able to request almost all the books I would have bought in more financially careless time and have them sent to the closest library. Currently I am really interested in kid's art. I got a at least one, maybe more of these book suggestions springing from favorite blogs. First, the Reggio Emilia interest came from Camp Creek Blog's rec. reading list my library fabulous though it was did not have the specific books she listed. Other sources for the books were Melissa and The Artful Parent (her suggestions led me to try the other books, we also checked out and are loving The Dot but the kids have them elsewhere in the house right now.) If you need good resources I would check out these lists. Also for Kid's books I find a lot of good picture book suggestions on Uncommon Grace, this blog has led me to really embrace living in a place with seasons through reading.

Observational Drawing

Following the directions here we tried observational drawing last week. Oliver even tried. I am sure at almost 2 he is not aware of what he was doing. But, to sit down with his big sister, Lacy, and mom and scribble was fun in itself. Maybe confusing why a shoe was on the table. Lacy is 4. We don't do "structure" at our house. Mainly because I am so bad at it. Also because I struggle a lot with what we are actually teaching our children with current mainstream America ways of interacting with the wee ones. For example: This morning at church Lacy went to Sunday school. When I went to pick her up she had this little stamp that she got to take home. She was the only one. The Sunday school teacher told me how good she had been and about how she got a "special prize." Lacy also told me about getting to pick out a special treat from the treasure chest. What I heard was "We were successful this morning in finally getting your child to comply and behave better than the other children this morning. We took the liberty of teaching her that good behavior is rewarded with toys and special treatment." So, at our house we are very bad at structure. Mommy is very bad at structure. We have a few routines like, well, we have two routines. First is bedtime and second is the rule that you can check out the number of books from the library that equals your age. Lately I have been thinking about adding more routine. But at almost 2 and 4 I think that freedom is a good thing.

Nevetheless, we did do a "lesson" We talked about the difference between free drawing and observational drawing. We used special pencils and the good paper. We practiced looking at an object and then looked and drew two things. This all took about 30 minutes. (Max 30, probably 20.) Anyway, it went well. I did have to keep pointing out things to Lacy. Like "What else can you see?" "What do you see on the side of the shoe?" Then at the end we had a very good talk about perspective. Because I did not draw the same parts that Lacy did. The one problem we had was that Lacy kept picking up the shoe, or changing her perspective. So her picture became disjointed showing the inside of the shoe and the side of the shoe. Looking at her drawing the one thing that surprised me was how she was able to write the letters from the brand name. c-i-r-c-o. We haven't started writing letters yet. I tried a little. She isn't interested though. We read a lot and I have worried on occasion. She can sort of write an L for her name. But, here she really did observe. Because those letters c-i-r-c-o. They aren't the letter L and she hasn't ever asked to see them written. I know she has seen them in books. But really they don't have context for her. So she was doing a very, very, good draw of drawing what she saw. Here our our pictures. Lacy's, Mine, and Oliver's.

We also found the old light brite. Circa early 1980's. The bulb still worked and everything. Lacy decided to try doing the flowers instead of the Transformer templates.

Children and Art

(I wanted to save some of you my angst. So here is an angst free post. Believe me I am getting tired of the tears, too!)

Lacy is really into art. I struggle at times with seeing other moms guide their children's drawing. A lot of the preschoolers we know have been taught how to draw. I don't know if this is good or bad. I though couldn't bring myself to do this. To sit next to her and tell her "Look, this is how we draw a person, a circle and lines." I felt like she must see something beautiful in those scribbles. When we go over and see the other 3 and four year olds self portraits I worry, maybe I am doing the wrong thing. I ask a lot. What is the PURPOSE of child art? How do I let Lacy develop her own artist? But at her birthday she was still just scribbling. One time she drew all lines that looked like and elephant and I said what is that and was surprised when she said "An elephant, see its trunk, its legs, its body, silly mama." That was at 2 and half. I hid that painting wanting to keep it. But not to pressure her to always feel like she has draw realistically. I ask her a lot about her scribbles. She tells me elaborate stories with plots about what is going on in the spirals and sharp angles. But, in reality only her and I can see anything. So I have been asking myself. Is the preschool way right. Should I be telling her how to draw. What if all she ever does is scribbles? The other worry I had was that in telling her how to draw I would push her to stop drawing. I stand back and watch her and see her drawing something really intricate and then covering with scribbles, not often but sometimes. It is as if she has an idea of what she wants to draw and when it doesn't turn out she covers it in scribbles. I didn't want to cause frustration.

At age four and a day though a transition was made I began to see pictures of circles and lines with mouths and eyes. She told me this was her. That was me. Here is Daddy. So somehow she has made it there on her own. But, I am still no clearer about how to guide her art. We have had multiple conversations lately about how she is going to be homeschooled. It has been hard to feel different when everyone else has started going away to school. I have asked her what she wants to learn and she says art. She wants to paint and draw. So that is mostly what we do. I have looked at some books on Amazon and think I am going to get one soon that has age appropriate activities. One especially I am interested and at the same time don't want is called Young at Art, the reviews on the projects are excellent. But a lot of people say that the author makes a point to make you feel like you have been doing a bad job and her way is the only way. I don't need anymore mama guilt. Others are preschool art, and I really think this book would be good: Teaching art to young children. In the meantime I have found these blogs, in the past week, that have been really good.

The first is Camp Creek Blog that has a lot of ideas. The current lesson up on the blog is observational drawing. Which I think I may do with Lacy. Let her pick out stuff to draw. Set it up and let her go, even if she scribbles.

The second is the Artful parent. This blog has a lot of resources in old posts and the author talks about some of the art things that have been on my mind.

I am trying to stick with our whole unschooling philosophy and just let her go. I have so much trouble trusting though. Trusting she will learn all her letters, that she will progress through her drawing. That she will learn if I don't force it down her throat. But, isn't motherhood all about trust.

Happy Art adventures, if that is where your child is leading!

In my own art life...I have been doing alright with my desire to take a picture a day. I am probably hitting this 75% of the time since New Year Resolution Posting. I haven't read up on photography yet. But, I did come across another neat idea. It is a group of people who are doing self portraits of themselves and their kids. It is on Flickr and called 52 weeks my kid(s) and me. I am not a member but have seen pictures on other blogs and thought it would be a neat addition to my chronicle of everyday life. So I am sporadically going to that. Every week seems like a lot for us. But, every moth would be fun. Here is our first one:
(It could use much work)

More Thoughts on Growing Girls the book and the sisterhood of Motherhood

I have been thinking more about this book since I finished it. Which is weird because it didn't strike me as one of those books that comes up. I think what keeps bringing it up for me are the number of negative reviews I have found. The anger behind the reviews. I think these people are more than entitled to their feelings as am I. I wonder though how many of them are mothers. I know at least one was a mother and so I think how different her and I are. How if she saw the things I sometimes ponder she would probably think I am a horrible a person. The one mother whose review I read first was also an adoptive mother of Chinese children. I am sure she has struggled with the exact same questions as Ms. Laskas and maybe come to the same answers or different ones. But, what I have learned since those first weeks holding Lacy who had colic and wouldn't breastfeed right, was that we as mothers need to realize we won't know if we made the right or wrong decisions until our children are happy well adjusted adults, or not. At that point we can't go back. It is the cold truth I see as I make decisions that are so counter American culture and have to have faith I am doing the best I can and that actually is enough.

What I wish there was more of is a sisterhood. Who can extend grace better to other mothers more than an actual mom. What we have in America is the farthest thing from a sisterhood when it comes to mothering. When women are pregnant they mostly hear horror stories from other mothers. The first time I met a mom from our playgroup she turned to a 38 week pregnant mom who was getting ready to have a second c-section, and told her that her husband, who is an OB, doesn't like her doctor at all. I really had to restrain myself from saying anything. I see this all the time with discipline, sleep, school, preschool, etc. The one up manship that stems from the built in insecurity of mothering. It doesn't get better either because the more children you have the more you realize mothering is not a one size fits all job. What worked for that child will not work the same way for another child. Instead of finding grace with other mothers we more often find judgement, comparison, and scare tactics. What we need to realize as mothers is how hard it is, how complex it is, to navigate this thing called motherhood and we need to start extending grace to each other. Because for most of us, extending grace to ourselves is just too hard.

This is what I find in these reviews a lack of understanding of how much this book is about what is going on in the author's head. About how that is alright. Motherhood is a complex job and what we need to realize is that each mother must find her own way. And that is why I have my children and was not given yours. Because my way would not be their way. I don't know if foreign adoption is right. But, is our American system right. Isn't the real goal of humanity to find love for each person. I am taken back to a fuzzy recollection of Maslow's heirachy of needs and remembering that while it is good to strive to fill out that top level as much as possible we need to remember to work our way up. We need to remember that we as humans have some basic needs and love ends up being a pretty basic need. If we are ever to move up to the higher levels. Foreign adoption may not be the best alternative, adoption period may be a flawed system. But, the truth is a lot of the people who grow up able to process the needs that they have to resolve the rightness or justness of the whole adoption arena, these people had some basic needs met. When you meet adults who did not have their basic needs met you find broken people. Not in the sense of an identity exploration crisis. But, broken people. People who can not function. There are a lot of people who never get adopted and live in a government system and come out able to have a full life. But, having access to love and a family whether you look alike or not can go a long way. And going a long ways lands us in the middle between not having any basic needs met and the ideal which no government has been able to make possible yet. Have grace with each other. Have grace with yourself. Neither of us may not be doing motherhood the right way. But, it is much better to share this journey with friends rather than on a deserted island surrounded by hungry sharks!