A Whole New World

Well, parenting a 4 year old is completely different than parenting a 3 or under!  I find myself getting really frustrated and protective.  When Lacy was little we never worried about how the other kids would influence her.  Now I look at her and I see this little sponge who I am trying to keep away from things like Disney Princesses, commercialism, favoritism, meanness, and tattling.  This past year though a lot of her little friends began preschool and what I have noticed with every one of these little girls is that they now tattle and whine.  That they have a best friend and play at being exclusive.  These were things I didn't used to need to correct in Lacy.  But, what do you do when it is all around her now?  I understand the necessity of this behavior when you are in a preschool setting.  But, some of this behavior is exactly why we have chosen to homeschool.  I realize three major problems and they are mostly with me.
1)  I am becoming one of those parents who sees the best in my child and wants to protect her, mainly from growing up. (I also am siding with her in some times when I should be parenting.)
2) I want my child to play with only the types of kids that are like her.  Which would only happen if we got her a mirror because even her brother is not like her.
3) I am going to need to let her grow up and learn that different people act differently and stand back and watch when they are telling her they don't like her and don't want to be her friend. 

Granted most of our problems are with little girls.  Our homeschool group is mostly little boys, and the problem there is that they are all play fighting and Lacy has expressed a desire to not be around them because they kick and such and also can be mean. 

I think as a parent I had this image of her playing with other kids in a very hippie loving sort way.  But, I am a parent in conservative Ohio and I do feel like here violence is a little more valued among boys and that girls are seen as needing to be a little submissive, a little whiny, etc.  We had parenting problems with Lacy and friends when she was little and those problems are still there.  She was overly friendly.  She would run up to kids and hug them.  This for most kids this crosses a lot of personal boundaries.  The one place we took her to play and noticed the same behavior was in a very "hippie-ish" area of the Bay where she went to a park.  She played the same way the other kids did.  I think the hardest part in all this is that at times I have to say, out loud, that the other child doesn't want her included and that she needs to find someone else to play with or that I will play with her.  The look on her face in that moment is horrible.  And maybe I am not handling this right.  I feel the rejection right there with her!  But, then there are some kids I want to have her reject too.  Like the little girl who always gets in trouble and then blames her, even when I see who was actually at fault (It has taken me a while to not blame Lacy first when these "incidents" occur.)  Or the little girls who whine all the time.  I really want her at times to just walk away.  But, a part of me knows she is going to have to keep dealing with different people in order to learn how she wants to be! 

I think the hardest part for me in all this is that little girls are carrying real purses with lipstick and such, watching High School Musical at 3, and having very adult themes integrated into their lives.  I see some of these being brought to Lacy and 4 for me is too young for trying to be sexy, trying to talk about boys, etc.  And really here I feel like I am right.  We are making our girls grow up way too early.  There is something about innocence that is not valued and protected in our culture.  So, this last piece makes me wonder how I can have her play with neighborhood kids, and kids in the park and not have that be pushed out of her.  Luckily we talk a lot, although lately my temper and imapatience at being a huge pregnant woman have started to shut her down a little.  So I talk to her about why we don't buy everything Dora and why she doesn't get to watch certain movies, about why she doesn't wear halter tops, etc.  I try to talk to her about why we are homeschooling about how we have looked into all the options and we are lucky enough to be able to do this for her and really it is best for now.  That last one falls on deaf ears.  (All the kids she knows go to preschool or daycare, and she thinks that would be great.  She doesn't really get that their parents drop them off though.)

Sorry this is so disjointed and rambly.  I am actually really sad over here about this and it isn't coming out the way I want it to.  I am also feeling a little bit like I am betraying our kiddos by having another baby and giving them even less of myself.  So this is sort of a loaded post.  But, something I wanted to share.  Because obviously many parents have survived these same situations and come out on the other end with sweet, strong, individual children.  So how did you do it?  How do you protect your children and send them out into the world.  How does this work?  How do you handle friend problems?  What books have helped you?  What tactics do you use?

Comments

[Cory Sheldon]

I feel the same way about kids growing up too fast. Avery already has "boy crazy" friends at school. We are beginning to have very open conversations about how unimportant boys are right now and how she needs to make sure to include all of her friends (not just girls). I think there is a point when we have to pray and trust that we've taught them well... and it is amazing what they can do. Now I just have to learn that it isn't my place to smack the other kids when they make bad choices. =) Good luck. Also, you may feel like you'll be giving the kids less of you once Baby comes, but I think you'll quickly realize that you have more love for each of them. You're doing a great job.

[Christy]

Right there with you Michelle! How wrong is it that you can't find little girls clothing that isn't inspired by/designed by a rock/movie star?! Why would I want my little girl wearing halter or belly shirts? When did Bratz dolls become something that any sane parent would let in their home? While I don't homeschool I have also struggled with the attitudes/behaviors that are being picked up from other kids around my girls. I too want her to learn to seek out those children that are like-minded, caring, etc. Not the loudest, most flamboyant kid on the playground. Why shouldn't we be encouraging our girls to be loving, caring, nurturing AND strong. This is a combination that works (and by being strong, I don't mean a bossy child with an inflated sense of entitlement) Aargh! I know they have to grow up, but it's so hard to let them out into a world of sooo many negative influences...we just have to pray that they hold onto the positive influence they get at home and spread it around! (hang in there with the baby! how long until the cross-country trip?)

[Veronica]

It is only natural for you to want to protect your child from the world and all its negative influences. We all want that, I think. But it is an uphill battle.

My son, who just turned 3, came home from preschool as a 2-year-old months and months ago talking about Spongebob and I thought, "huh?"

But we work it out and we balance them out and we do this because we really do have the most influence over our little ones. Remember that. That counts for a lot.

You're doing great!

[Melissa]

The biggest issue I have had with Sammy going to preschool this year has been him forming a friendship with one little boy and excluding other kids from their play. I don't think he realized that he was hurting other kids' feelings until I talked to him about. The great thing was that he changed his behavior a lot after we talked about it a few times, and I noticed when I was there or even when I was picking him up on my drop-off days that he was playing more inclusively and with a bigger variety of kids. For now I feel fortunate that I have a lot of influence over him, but I think even as he grows up, the things I have taken the time to teach him when he was young will stick with him to a certain degree.
I think the problems you are having with other kids stems from the fact that too many parents let the tv and other media raise their kids for them and don't teach their children to question anything.