People Join the sisterhood of motherhood...

or shut up. Honestly. I am sorry. But motherhood. It. is. hard. Like really hard. It is a very insecure place this motherland that I navigate. And there is no map. Someone said that before when they titled their book mothering without a map. I was the best mom before I had children. No joke I could look at children having tantrums in public and know exactly how the parents should respond. Then I was pregnant and knew exactly how women should birth. Then I knew whether women should circumcise or not. Then I had this beautiful colicky baby in arms all the time. And I couldn't comfort her. And some lady cut me off on the freeway. And I said "she might have had a hard day with a baby that won't stop crying either." And for the first time...I think I learned grace. And what I have learned with a second baby that refused anything except intact nursing for the first 13 mos. of his life was RESPECT. Grace and respect. And why as a mom don't I see other moms extending that to each other. Why do I see and hear moms cutting each other down. Now I have a friend whose daughter has some developmental issues and I have learned that motherhood is about celebration, survival, and doing the best you can. But, the biggest thing that gets in the way is other mothers. And today, as I saw this happening again in the mothering group I am in, I just said...No more. No more seeing other people treat each other this way. I used to lead a racial and gender reconciliation bible study. (The church is in big need of things like that) Anyway, I used to say, and still do, that to listen to racial jokes or gender jokes is to join in the oppression. I realize now as a mother that to watch and sit back and see mothers cut each other down is to ruin mothering. Because honestly, when I have done this, (and unfortunately I too have judged other mothers, good mothers who just did things different from me,) it has always stemmed from my insecurities. Like when I wasn't spanking and my 1 and a half year old daughter was biting and pinching me. And so I would criticize parents who spanked. And I felt no better. Well maybe for a second. But, my problem didn't go away. And so I parent differently from 90% of American culture. My children, they sleep in my bed, I try not to let them watch tv (big battle with the other grown ups in my house), I homebirth, I don't circumcise, I extend my breastfeeding (into college by the looks of it), I try to nonviolently communicate, I unschool, and I don't spank (except when my temper got bigger than life) and you know what...I MAY NOT BE DOING THIS MOTHERING THING RIGHT!!! I am doing it the way that works best for my children, I am doing it the way I can. But, the longer I am a mother the more I realize that it is OK to parent differently. I really like it when I am around parents that parent the same way. But, we need to get in this together and there is room for all of us. Blogging is probably not the best forum for this because the people who would want to tear me down don't really come here. But when a mom needs to post about her pregnancy and ask not to get horror stories told to her, and then another blogger needs to respond in hurtful ways about this mom on her own blog...It makes me want to say enough. So ENOUGH!!! Join the sisterhood. This mothering thing it is not easy. But, if we stop looking and criticizing others than we can make it through those long crying nights, and maybe just, maybe, we can do it with friends. So, I am really sorry if you have had a really bad birth, or a great one, but on behalf us preggos, please just wish us well. We ask for advice when we need it. For us moms with kids that aren't perfect, please just wish us well and give us a hug as our child throws things out of the grocery cart because they need to have a tantrum and their emotions are too big to contain. Please moms, lets help each other through this. It is OK that you parent differently. It is OK that we are not the same people. That is why I have my babes and you have yours. When I take care of my friends children I realize how much I was meant to get my kids and not someone else's. It is OK to say you don't know if you are mothering right and then say "but this is how I need to try it" And the response sisters: "OK, well this mothering thing it is not easy, and I got your back!!!"
SISTERS, I GOT YOUR BACK!!! But, when you start tearing other moms down, you may look back to see that I was the one that got hurt and am not there. Remember mothering is

Many different things in different homes

One sisterhood

Togetherness

Hugs

Empathy

Respect

Indebtedness

Nice words

Grace

for our kids, for ourselves, and for each other.
(Obviously I am not supporting parenting practices that damage bodies, spirits, or are illegal. But, honestly this is a very small percentage of us mommies. And even more so even those mothers that shouldn't be able to raise their children are still human beings and deserve empathy, love, and compassion.) I feel like I need to figure out how to make one of those buttons and start a crusade getting mothers to pledge to join the sisterhood. But, in losing the only community I had in Ohio today, I don't have the energy.
Moms I have appriciated:
Cory, Melissa, Julie, Mason, Melissa, Nancy, Monique, Lori( I hope it is OK I linked to you in this post Lori, let me know if not), Linda, Kristi, all the mamas at the little people swap (who have been no drama at all!) and so many more, I could go on and on. But, I wanted to end on a positive note. Thank you for accepting me as a mom, for helping me when I ask for it, and for using kind words toward me!

I have been thinking more about praise and reading your comments. Besides the mama drama in playgroup, and going to the IKEA grand opening at 3am this week (we were like #130 in line but got only a 10 dollar gift card, a buy one get one free coupon for cinnamon rolls, really cold, and then sunburned), it was midterms and I want to think through a post instead of jumping up on an emotional soapbox like here. Brain, Child also had an article on rewards I want to read first.

A retrospective: Me back when I knew everything about parenting and wasn't even pregnant yet, that would be another 4 years off (with Steve, a friend) circa Fall 2000?

Comments

[Lori]

rock on, sister

[Lori]

(and i'm *honored* you linked to me!)

[Melissa]

I've always got your back and know you've always got mine:)

[Cara]

Thank you so much! I've never understood the psychology behind dissing other people's parenting, and now that my daughter is here, I REALLY don't understand. We're all just floundering out here in parentville and I refuse to believe that we aren't all doing the absolute BEST that we can. So what if my way is different than your way? The end goal is the same - a healthy happy productive sensitive inquisitive RESPECTFUL member of society.

Thanks again. I really appreciate the support.

[Susana]

great, honest post!