The Mama Chronicles

A Note on Pictures

Organic, originally uploaded by graggirl.

I put a flickr badge up and started using my flickr account again. If you click over there in the upper right hand corner you should get a better pictures from the post below. Sorry, for that! Any ideas on better uploading? Send them my way! Or how you send multiple photos from Flickr to typepad. Thanks!

(This photo is from early 2005, it's Lacy with a banana picture on her head. I must admit, I forgot how chubby her cheeks used to be!)

Swap Sent!

No peeking swap partners! We went to the post office this morning and sent our package to Ill. I sewed a lot yesterday. I think the fact that I actually completed a project has me unable to wait to post this until they get it. I have been sooooo tired an feeling queasy. That it is a big accomplishment to be done. My biggest project is still going well. We have reached that point where everyone tells you that if you go into labor now at least the baby will survive. COME. ON. Don't get me wrong I do not want to have to endure the grief of losing a baby. I feel really deeply for every mother who has. But, also I know how difficult it is to have a preemie from watching friends and I do not want that either. I would rather be told. Good going! Stay strong for another 13 weeks. Postitive thinking, here, people. I am trying to do this by picturing my baby only head down and thinking very strongly about not hemmorhaging this time. Because that was REALLY scary after Oliver. I go tto that point where I thoght it would be OK if I just let Ryan take care of the kids and surrendered. Luckily I had excellent medical help and when everything else didn't work my dear friend and midwife looked me in the eyes and yelled at me to STOP BLEEDING! And I did. There is actually a study that says that works. I didn't even have to get transported to the hospital. Although with someone who wasn't as emotionally close I would have. OK, sorry, this has gotten more gruesome than I meant. I could have stopped many sentences ago! On to the Swap!!!

Here is what we sent:

all wrapped up with yarn bows.

Here is what the kids (read Lacy) made:

Here is what I made, what this was supposed to be a swap for the kids? Oh, well.

I just made the frogs in the second picture. But they wanted to chill on their pads. They are quite fond of the job Lacy did.

Here it is with all the art supplies and stuff we included, unwrapped:

Details:
The cute bags are from Bend the Rules Sewing. This is the first project I have made from their and they did turn out cute and were easy! I had never done box corners or a lining before so that was fun. Or actually made a bag. The frogs are from Purl Soho (free pattern.) We may be making some frog lilly pad kits for birthdays this year. Or Christmas when you need an indoor gift. We used primed canvas from a roll and acrylic paint to make the pads. Lacy cut and painted them herself. With Daddy's help. This fed into our latest conversations about habitats. It is supposed to be a game. Where you stand in one spot and try to throw your frog onto a lily pad. Also included were beaded necklaces, and a melted beaded heart. I am not sure what these little iron together beads are called. We included supplies for the girls to make their own necklaces and lots of melted bead creations. Then there are stickers, face paper, and glue on eyes. We love these faces. We glue ours to popsicle sticks and use them like puppets. I also threw in playdough that we had left over form Halloween. We always give out playdough because then I don't eat the leftovers. I wanted to include something for the mom so I put in the book Every Mother is a daughter. This is the only new book that is fiction I have bought in a long time. It has good reviews but I could not get into it. I think that my relationship with my own mom is so broken that I couldn't identify at all with the writers. I hope my partner likes it. Because books deserved to be loved. I tried really hard to read this book. I also printed out the directions for the frogs for her. We didn't have to include anything for the moms so don't freak out if you are in the swap. My partner mentioned she liked to read.
Overall cost: 14 dollars (that includes 7.66 in shipping priority mail.) All the fabric I already have. All the art supplies were from our own stash. Then there is the leftover playdough (free.) We bought lentils to fill up the frogs, stickers for each girl, a pack of face paper, and pack of glue on eyes. The canvas is from a roll that has extra because I want to make this hopsctoch mat. So there you go. I will post what we get when it comes.

I don't remember if I mentioned it on here, but I got accepted to nursing school at Miami University (in Ohio.) I am going to start in August. Unless the baby ends up being colicky, or needing me to not be away for the 8 hours a week the first semester requires. Since then I have found out we have to buy a lot of extra stuff. Like a palm pilot! And then nursing stuff like a stethescope and such. Nervous, Excited, Accomplished, Scared, only 5 years away from catching babies as a Nurse Midwife, that's me!

(Technical note, I am uploading my pics the same way does anyone know why they are always coming up blurry on typepad now? It is not the photos. Does anyone do typepad with flickr? Can you give me directions? OK I fixed this by making my pictures smaller but I like them big so I am stilll looking for ideas!)

Slowly Gestating

Things are moving along here in belly land. The baby is getting very active. This is simultaneously exciting and annoying. I like knowing everything is OK down there. But, at the same time getting sleep and being able to go an hour without peeing is also nice. I haven't written anything about the pregnancy in a long time on here. I think the second trimester is like that. You feel better, you sleep better, you pee less. Then WHAM-O you are in your third trimester. You sleep less, you feel worse, and you pee more. I have developed this irrational fear about toilet paper in the process. I stock up way too much, then we seem to get low all of a sudden and I absolutely must drop everything I am doing before those last 2 rolls vanish. It is this crazy cycle.

Now that things are moving along I also am realizing that I am in some ways repeating the first trimester. Certain foods are repulsive, once again! I worry over silly things. For instance driving to the airport to pick up Ryan the other night I was beside myself not knowing what I would do if his plane crashed and I just sat there circling the pick up area over and over. Then I saw myself losing the house and not being able to buy food. We don't have life insurance and sometimes everything gets a bit irrational. Especially on an hour and half drive alone with bad radio stations.

In other ways I am sort of having a second pregnancy instead of a third. When I was pregnant with Oliver I didn't worry so much about how Lacy would adjust and whether or not I was being completely unfair to her by having another baby. But, now, that I am going to have more babies than hands, I think about this a lot. I also feel sort of pulled apart. Half of me really wants to be just a pregnant mom and then the other half is trying to be a mom to the kids that are running around. And as lay on the couch, tired, nauseas, I end up doing both terribly. I have entered that catch 22 of mothering. Where it is just never enough. Oliver too is totally not into this new baby thing either. He is adamant about not wanting a baby in his house. He is still firmly attached but has no interest in sharing me.

Making

In Martha Stewart Living (the first good issue from my vantage in a while) she had an article on how to make nests. Lacy has been making nests for about a year. It began last spring. Out of the blue of spring skies and life after our first snow. She started dragging sticks home when we would play. We had a collection on our porch. I asked her what she was doing and she looked at me with her expression that says "Isn't it obvious." And told me she was making a nest. For her. To sit on. I don't know how other moms would feel. I felt elated, exuberated, supportive! So I let her bring sticks in the car, I had always said no to rocks, and let her build her nests. Which would disappear before she ever got them fully made. It is a hard world for nest builders! Anyway, when I saw this article I had to show it to Lacy. So after getting the limited supplies we could find, I guess I don't where to go in Cincinnati, and letting our sticks soak, we made our nests. We also water-colored big wooden eggs. The nests turned out pretty good for a 4 year old and mom attempting a grown up MSL project together. Happy nesting!

We used the thinnest grapevines we could find and gold instead of brown wire. Lacy wanted to leave it open in the bottom. The birds we bought with the grapevines at Michael's. Not like the article... better, because although my photos lack the beauty and perfection of a magazine layout. Ours are special nests, mother and daughter nests. Not telling who made which one though!!! (I am not sure why this photo is coming up blurry. It is not blurry on my computer.)

Aren't you so proud mama?

I have been doing more reading on praise. This issue of praise keeps coming up in my house.

Today Lacy did something and asked, "Aren't you proud of me mama?"
I responded as I usually do and said, "Aren't you proud of yourself?"
My husband was standing right there and he very discreetly said, "She needs to hear that you are proud of her."

This comment sort of jolted me. Not because of what he said but because of what I believe about a lot of things. I have a core belief that children, our bodies, and other undomesticated things ask for what they need. I think this started for me when I was nursing and nursed on demand. This philosophy sort of permeates a lot of different areas of my parenting. I have to be reminded of this concept though and I don't think it is a hard and fast rule. For instance, my children ask for candy and I don't think that they need candy. So, it takes a little discernment on my part to see their needs from wants. Needs aren't always verbalized either. For instance a week before Lacy's 4th birthday she had started really battling at bed time. It wasn't until after her birthday, like the next day, that I asked her if she wanted to start sleeping with mommy again. The decision was made and she moved back in bed with us. She had been sleeping on her own for about 8 mos. (That was her second period of wanting to sleep on her own, the first was around 2 years old.) What I noticed was that she began behaving very differently during the day. She was more compassionate, she was more at peace, and she was getting less frustrated. This isn't always the answer to behavior problems, but in this case it changed a lot of our day and interaction. She communicated a need that I had to discern with my intuition.

We also have chosen to school this way. Waiting until our children show interest or ask. I am anxious for Lacy to read, right now she is not interested though. Experts will tell you that a lot of romantic relationships fail because partners do not communicate their needs. Sexual satisfaction is linked to meeting needs and verbalizing those needs to your partner. So as Ryan is telling me that Lacy needs to hear that I am proud of her...I think...yes, she does, she is communicating a need. In a way I am ignoring that need that by answering her request with a question. I do not want Lacy to depend on making me proud. But, I want her to be secure in my unconditional love and in my unwavering support. So maybe she is needing to ask because she is not hearing it at other times. I am doing some reading on praise right now. One is an article on discipline because I believe that is the flip side of praise. Which are both based on loving guidance.

Rewards and Praise

Instead of hitting

5 Reasons to Stop saying "Good Job"

Can Adults Praise Too Much

(The view from my computer, yes, he is a lefty. It is really dark here too, by the way!)

People Join the sisterhood of motherhood...

or shut up. Honestly. I am sorry. But motherhood. It. is. hard. Like really hard. It is a very insecure place this motherland that I navigate. And there is no map. Someone said that before when they titled their book mothering without a map. I was the best mom before I had children. No joke I could look at children having tantrums in public and know exactly how the parents should respond. Then I was pregnant and knew exactly how women should birth. Then I knew whether women should circumcise or not. Then I had this beautiful colicky baby in arms all the time. And I couldn't comfort her. And some lady cut me off on the freeway. And I said "she might have had a hard day with a baby that won't stop crying either." And for the first time...I think I learned grace. And what I have learned with a second baby that refused anything except intact nursing for the first 13 mos. of his life was RESPECT. Grace and respect. And why as a mom don't I see other moms extending that to each other. Why do I see and hear moms cutting each other down. Now I have a friend whose daughter has some developmental issues and I have learned that motherhood is about celebration, survival, and doing the best you can. But, the biggest thing that gets in the way is other mothers. And today, as I saw this happening again in the mothering group I am in, I just said...No more. No more seeing other people treat each other this way. I used to lead a racial and gender reconciliation bible study. (The church is in big need of things like that) Anyway, I used to say, and still do, that to listen to racial jokes or gender jokes is to join in the oppression. I realize now as a mother that to watch and sit back and see mothers cut each other down is to ruin mothering. Because honestly, when I have done this, (and unfortunately I too have judged other mothers, good mothers who just did things different from me,) it has always stemmed from my insecurities. Like when I wasn't spanking and my 1 and a half year old daughter was biting and pinching me. And so I would criticize parents who spanked. And I felt no better. Well maybe for a second. But, my problem didn't go away. And so I parent differently from 90% of American culture. My children, they sleep in my bed, I try not to let them watch tv (big battle with the other grown ups in my house), I homebirth, I don't circumcise, I extend my breastfeeding (into college by the looks of it), I try to nonviolently communicate, I unschool, and I don't spank (except when my temper got bigger than life) and you know what...I MAY NOT BE DOING THIS MOTHERING THING RIGHT!!! I am doing it the way that works best for my children, I am doing it the way I can. But, the longer I am a mother the more I realize that it is OK to parent differently. I really like it when I am around parents that parent the same way. But, we need to get in this together and there is room for all of us. Blogging is probably not the best forum for this because the people who would want to tear me down don't really come here. But when a mom needs to post about her pregnancy and ask not to get horror stories told to her, and then another blogger needs to respond in hurtful ways about this mom on her own blog...It makes me want to say enough. So ENOUGH!!! Join the sisterhood. This mothering thing it is not easy. But, if we stop looking and criticizing others than we can make it through those long crying nights, and maybe just, maybe, we can do it with friends. So, I am really sorry if you have had a really bad birth, or a great one, but on behalf us preggos, please just wish us well. We ask for advice when we need it. For us moms with kids that aren't perfect, please just wish us well and give us a hug as our child throws things out of the grocery cart because they need to have a tantrum and their emotions are too big to contain. Please moms, lets help each other through this. It is OK that you parent differently. It is OK that we are not the same people. That is why I have my babes and you have yours. When I take care of my friends children I realize how much I was meant to get my kids and not someone else's. It is OK to say you don't know if you are mothering right and then say "but this is how I need to try it" And the response sisters: "OK, well this mothering thing it is not easy, and I got your back!!!"
SISTERS, I GOT YOUR BACK!!! But, when you start tearing other moms down, you may look back to see that I was the one that got hurt and am not there. Remember mothering is

Many different things in different homes

One sisterhood

Togetherness

Hugs

Empathy

Respect

Indebtedness

Nice words

Grace

for our kids, for ourselves, and for each other.
(Obviously I am not supporting parenting practices that damage bodies, spirits, or are illegal. But, honestly this is a very small percentage of us mommies. And even more so even those mothers that shouldn't be able to raise their children are still human beings and deserve empathy, love, and compassion.) I feel like I need to figure out how to make one of those buttons and start a crusade getting mothers to pledge to join the sisterhood. But, in losing the only community I had in Ohio today, I don't have the energy.
Moms I have appriciated:
Cory, Melissa, Julie, Mason, Melissa, Nancy, Monique, Lori( I hope it is OK I linked to you in this post Lori, let me know if not), Linda, Kristi, all the mamas at the little people swap (who have been no drama at all!) and so many more, I could go on and on. But, I wanted to end on a positive note. Thank you for accepting me as a mom, for helping me when I ask for it, and for using kind words toward me!

I have been thinking more about praise and reading your comments. Besides the mama drama in playgroup, and going to the IKEA grand opening at 3am this week (we were like #130 in line but got only a 10 dollar gift card, a buy one get one free coupon for cinnamon rolls, really cold, and then sunburned), it was midterms and I want to think through a post instead of jumping up on an emotional soapbox like here. Brain, Child also had an article on rewards I want to read first.

A retrospective: Me back when I knew everything about parenting and wasn't even pregnant yet, that would be another 4 years off (with Steve, a friend) circa Fall 2000?

Oliver turned two!

Oliver turned two yesterday. He got a really good selection of gifts: A smart track brio train, an indoor/outdoor plastic slide, and best in my opinion as Lacy and Ryan have played with them a lot: Kapla blocks. These blocks are really great. They are just wooden planks that you can literally build into anything. Lots of fun.

We now have this big two year old laugh: (sound effect is heeheeheehee, from deep in the belly)

Happy 2nd Birthday Oliver! What I love about our family is how different our kids are. I hope this next baby is also completely different. Yet they still love each other (most of the time.) Oliver is a ham. When you take out the camera he says mememe! and points to himself.

The cupcake is a mousse filled cupcake with chocolate glaze frosting, yummy, from the cupcakes book!
(Did ya notice the plate? By far one of my best mommy things. After the baby is born when they are still tiny I take them to the pottery place and make them a birthday plate. I put their little baby footprints in the center. Oliver's turned out much batter than Lacy's. So I would recommend always using black paint for the footprint, pressing firmly on the baby's foot starting at the toes, and (this one I learned from Oliver) use a light background color.)

Blizzard hits Ohio!

No joke. A blizzard hit Ohio this weekend. It is over now. What is an actual blizzard? A severe snowstorm with strong winds and limited visibility. For us that meant 12+ inches in 24 hours. And being literally snowed in. Day 1: Lacy declared naked time. No joke. This hasn't happened since she was two. But, she talked Oliver into following suit. So we let him run around diaper free. When they started wrestling Ryan did ask if maybe this was going a bit far. But, it was all very innocent. I wonder if I will ever be comfortable running around naked again? I did close all the blinds though. I mean come on, we live in the most conservative county in Ohio, not in Ca anymore. No pics of day one. I do have limits. Then day two we stayed in our pajamas and made baked potato soup. This was my favorite soup when I waitressed at Bennigan's. Lacy went out in the snow a lot with snow clothes over PJs. Then last night she asked to wear daytime clothes to bed since we wore PJ's all day.

I had thought, when we were still living in CA, that being snowed in would yield great productivity. I pictured myself sitting at the sewing machine or knitting by the fire. I saw mountains of finished products and time used wisely. All to the backdrop of snow falling softly outside. Ummm, this was not my reality. The snow, and so much of it sent me into sort of a funk. I didn't do anything. I didn't study, clean house, or even go near my knitting or sewing. I did rip out the half I had knitted in the second leg of the baby pants. (Apparently an Addi turbo size 6 does not equal a Clover size 6 needle.) What I did do was cuddle a lot. With my kids, with my husband, with the new baby. And I thought a lot. I came to the conclusion that I feel like I am in a really good place right now. Spiritually, emotionally, mommily, wifely, and in life. I also let as much light into our house as I could because I felt winter type depression coming on. In the end, the blizzard thing was sort of overrated. Maybe I will do better next time!

One of the things I thought about was praise. I was sort of forced to think about it. At our unschooling meeting on Thursday we talked about it quite a bit, or maybe it just stuck out quite a bit. Then I read about it on Lori's blog. It was one of those things where you feel like saying, out loud, in a very strong voice, "OK, I will ponder this!" I thought a lot about my own kids and about myself. I feel like I never pleased my dad. In all honesty. Like I never measured up. I am an only child so this wasn't due to siblings. Also, I must say, I have a wonderful father. He has supported me even when he disagrees with me. I know he doesn't agree, but I also know that he is still my dad. But, it just never felt/ feels like enough. I received lots of affection from my dad, so that's not it. But, I think verbally, maybe I heard more no or more not like that, or this way than you keep going along your path. At least that is what I felt like what I heard most of. I made very big decisions based on what I thought would impress my dad. The one day I felt like I did totally impress him was when I graduated from college. But, in reality, I obtained a degree I will never use. In a subject that interests me but holds none of my passions. When you have one parent who is bipolar and alcoholic I think you really look to the other parent for what is normal and what it good. I think maybe I needed to hear more about what a neat person I was. From my mom I only ever heard genuineness in her voice when she was telling me how much she hated me. I don't think my dad realized he had an extra burden. So, now, as an adult, I am learning to do things for me. What this has to do with praise is: I really don't think that overpraising is the only thing that leads to creating a child who wants to seek praise, who makes decisions for others. I think under-praising can do this. I think that children will actually seek more praise if they don't get enough.

So what about me as a parent? For my kids I really tried for a long time (Not that long, my oldest is 4) to not praise, to not reaffirm and to not criticize. But, then I had this daughter who would ask for praise. She would ask me if I thought she was beautiful, and she would ask me if I thought she had done a good job. She would ask if I was proud of her. This broke my heart. I realized, not praising was not the way to go. I also am learning that she is a lot like me. So the balance I have found is to praise her. Not too much and not for socially acceptable things. I don't praise her for behaving or for doing what I want. I praise her for being willing to do her own thing, for being her own person. I tell her that she sure is a funny kid and that she makes me happy. I try to praise her like this when she hasn't done anything. Just randomly try to turn to her and say something like "Your jokes really make me laugh" or "it is a lot of fun to listen to your stories." I try to not make it about achievement or about things I want her to do. I try to make it about encouraging what I already see in her. I don't tell her that she is really is good at things she isn't, I see this, and have read about doing this, in order to get kids to do more of that thing. It is a hard balance. I don't think I over praise because she doesn't get praised everyday, it is not a clockwork thing. On our hardest days she probably gets a little more praise than on our easiest days. I think this is a result of my internal coping mechanisms. When she is being very 4, I think to all the things that have me happy in the past. I try to stop focusing on the fact that she is hitting her brother, dumping out her toys, ripping books, and driving me crazy. This praise thing is a hard deal. But, I think that children are also very smart. I think they know what is genuine and what is not. We live a very genuine life here. I think each family needs to find their own way. But, I don't want any parent to ever feel like they can not tell their child how great they are for being them. Which was where I was headed when my daughter was a toddler. What do you think? Go on over and join the discussion at Camp Creek Press or start a dialogue here if you want. I don't have any of the answers. I am muddling through too!

Baby is 24 weeks today, the length of a large corn cob. Very exciting. I am starting to get that question. You know the one "Are you having a boy or a girl." I just say I think it is a girl. I will in reality never see the people who ask again. I really do think it is a girl and I am not comfortable explaining why I am not getting prenatal care. As I gestate though I get stronger and stronger girl feelings. I feel more and more connected this babe. I respect more and more that the relationship between mother and child is so special. My husband would not want to carry a baby through pregnancy. But, I sure think he misses out on a lot. I hope you have a very peaceful day. I think that is what the blizzard brought me most of all!

And here are my three favorite blogs for very different reasons:
the first is Melissa's because she is one of my dearest friends.
Mommies Think Too
She is a recent blogger so go by and say hi.

The second is Camp Creek Press because I feel like it is really in tune with our family. Where we watercolor daily and draw all the time. And I also feel like her art lessons incorporate nicely into our unschooling.
Camp Creek Press

And the last is one that I started always reading when she posted her home summer camp last summer. I think this blog does a good job of mixing craft, with parenting, with the rest of life.
Two Straight lines

I checked these blogs this weekend and only these blogs when I was avoiding the snow!

Little People Swap

If you want to get in on the swap for the kiddos, and yourself, then be sure to sign up this weekend. Sign ups close Monday, March 10 at 12am. We have a lot of participants from all over. There is still room though and I am not sure we would turn people away. So go ahead and sign up! We'd love to have you along!
(By the way, my test went well. And Ryan and Oliver are on the mend. And super great news. All of Oliver's birthday gifts arrived in time! Whew, we cut it close this year!)

What I do nowadays...

This is what my life consists of right now, until tomorrow at 1pm:

(sorry, no good pics of the computer screen in the semidarkness could be had) I am mainly doing the flashcard and textbook thing. Even when I knit I am constantly thinking about what the orgin (what it holds onto) and insertion (what it pulls on) and function of the muscles I have to know are. But, I am making progress. The pants are getting faster as I get back in my knitting groove too! The computer is my distraction, mainly the swap and bloglines, along with, dare I confess, big brother. But, being on the computer and being stressed is making my Levator scapulae hurt. (See still studying.) Tomorrow it will all be over. We will walk into the lab, look at pins sticking in dissected muscles, look at bones lying in front of us, look through microscopes, write down the 40, hopefully correct answers, and that will be it. The end of the scariest Anatomy practical ever. Scariest because this is by far the most amount of info I will have to know, and this is my first real anatomy practical. Scary too because acceptance letters are sent out in the next two weeks and all of us are nervous. It was nothing like this when I got my BS in Economics. In a lot of ways I prefer the type of student I was at 18 than 30. I didn't care and had LOTS of free time!

Tomorrow hopefully it will be more of this (and knitting):

I have told you that my children have three eyes each right? Maybe this weekend I will even try out one of the 40 recipes I have saved from this lovely blog! Sewing will wait until spring break I am afraid. (1.5 weeks)

Things are really cooking over at the Little People Care Package Swap. We are getting a lot more sign ups. From all over. We started a blog so go check it out, and sign up fast so that you can join in. Also, thank you so much to mommy doodles and Lori. I really appreciate the advertising!!! It made all the difference in the world. You are some popular ladies! With good reason I must add. Not only do you both have wonderfully inspiring blogs you also were very nice to help us out. OK, back to Rotavirus boy, Bronchitis boy (Ryan is home sick for the week, so no business trip for him, and studying) Think good thoughts for me tomorrow!