The Mama Chronicles

Lonely

Tonight I am so acutely lonely. We made our big decision. We had the chance to go back to California. We decided at lunch that we will stay here in Ohio. I think it has thrown me more off kilter than I thought it would. I feel like it is the right decision. I feel like this a time when I should be sacrificing what I think I want to support Ryan and all the good things he has going for him in this terrible state. It is so lonely though to be on such an opposite end of the spectrum. It has made me realize how little I actually have here. We have lived here a year, today. I came here so supportive and so full of hope. I was ready for an adventure. What I have found is rejection in the homebirth community, a complete feeling of never fitting in, and few friends. I have made many acquaintances but only one friend. And although I enjoy her, our friendship is in it's infancy. I felt on Friday when we began talking about if we should stay or go that we would arrive at this place. For me it was sealed when for the first ever time I heard my husband say he thought he might feel like a failure if he transferred out after only one year. This failure would be because I can't hack it here. Which makes it even harder because I feel like I gave it an honest try. But, the harder I try to make friends here the more I lose confidence and feel like the awkward girl I wasn't but saw around me when puberty hit. I feel more and more insecure. I find myself isolating myself more and more hoping not to make a fool of myself and losing who I was. There are no resources I have been able to find for the spouse's who follow. Who don't have a career or any built in network and give up their whole lives to cling to just the family that goes with them into unfamiliar territory. I thought this might be easier with kids. But, now I think it is just universally hard. I think that to be the follower is the harder route. Ryan has been able to build a network daily at work with peers. But, for those of us at home we have to put so much energy in that to get nothing to next to nothing back is devastating. The other huge factor for me in this decision was that I felt like Ryan would have a world of regret for leaving when he wasn't ready. These two things in his life were just not things I was willing to bear. If I said we should go tomorrow, we would. He is good like that. But, now i can't stop crying because we are staying and I feel as if I am becoming more insecure by the moment. With each rejection I wonder what is wrong with me. My need to make friends here has also led me to make mistakes I would never had made if I wasn't desperate. Trying to make myself seem bigger than I am, trying to make myself seem important, to gain some credibility with those who I come in contact with. My biggest asset previously was that I was always very real. Now I find myself doing the opposite in the hope to impress someone enough that they will respond when I talk to them. That they will in some way let me join in. I feel as if I am a million miles away!

Almost Over...

So glad the weekend is almost over. It has been super stressful. But, more on that in a minute.
Today I am 18 weeks pregnant.
My baby is the size of a bell pepper, head to rump. I have to say I love those Baby center updates. For that reason. Last week my baby weighed about as much as a turnip. These analogies would have been completely lost on me in first pregnancy. I never understood the phrase "looks good enough to eat" when used about anything other than food. But, I am a veteran mama now. And I can confess to you, since I don't have to watch your face as you read this, that when Lacy was born. I understood. I loved her so much that in some weird way I wanted to consume her and hold her in my body forever. From the moment the cord was cut I could feel her growing up and becoming independent of me. We have this sort of healthy, but freaky, attachment. During labor her heart rate would have decels (read: not good). The only thing that would make them bounce right back was reaching in and touching her head and talking to her. OK, too much information, I have gone too far. So anyways back to the food thing. When she was born I understood. And, brace yourself, when she was about a week or so old I wondered what she smelled like, and tasted like. So once I gave her a lick. That was it. Actually I have since found out that this is fairly common. Many moms have licked their babies. It probably is rooted in our primal instincts or something. To be able to know, identify, and mark our young. OK, stop freaking out, I only did it once. Anyway, here we are at 18 weeks:

(I have had to edit the following like 20 times, so sorry if it is still run on sentencey and jumbled.)
So this weekend has been entirely unfruitful. Well, not completely I did get some regular clothes to use as maternity clothes, Gap Body khakis and one stretchy pair (I never have luck with real maternity clothes.) Unfruitfulness: Ryan and I have a huge decision to make. And we both want such different things. To make it worse we both want the other one to have what they want. But, you sort of need to come to a consensus when it involves uprooting and completely changing your life. So we are struggling through these weighty matters. To top it off, last year most of Ryan's family completely disowned us. Over not having someone in our wedding (8 years AGO!) who didn't like me and didn't want us to get married (Btw, many people write Ann Landers about this and she always says only firm supporters should stand up with you on your important day.) Well that is what started it. The grudge that "the" family member held, has been added to with every little thing I do that to her makes me seem even more evil, like looking sad one Christmas because of a major crisis in my family (how dare I!) So anyway, a couple people who disowned us have decided that now, that we live across the country and the leader of this "Michelle boycott" has sort of stopped talking about it as much ( I am assuming here because the last time we talked she, the one whose husband says they want to get back in on our magical existence now, said being my friend/ amicable family member, put her in too hard of a position with "the" family member. I too always have trouble befriending someone who is so totally wronged and treated unjustly, total sarcasm here), anyway, they would maybe like to be a part of our lives again. So the wife of Ryan's cousin, the above she, who is very mixed up in this whole event that split us from the family last year, was supposed to give me a call, this weekend. But, here we are almost at the end. So I am thinking maybe, but probably not.
(Update: She did call at 8:30. We talked for 2 hours. I don't know where this will go but I guess we decided to try to have a relationship. But, with many boundaries. I've never been much of a boundary girl but I am willing to try. So to be fair she did call.) I am already highly suspicious anyway (read: completely hurt that my friendship was so disposable) that I have been on pins and needles all weekend. And secretly crying when no one is looking. I think this is maybe exaggerated by all the hormones. Also, this was so painful at Thanksgiving 2006, when all the hatred came out, that with time I had finally stopped thinking about it every day. But, now that Ryan's cousin is trying to act like nothing happened and talk to us after a long silence, all of it is brought back up again in me. In a very painful way. Plus, add the decision stress. And now I can't wait for Monday. My New Year's Resolution should have been to not care about people who want to hurt me and stop being someone who so easily obsesses. But, remember New Year's resolutions should be attainable. OK, sorry to dump all this junk out on you, my far away cyber-friends. But, honestly this is where I am at. To give all this a silver lining: When Ryan called about our possible decision on Friday and said the choice is up to us everyone is supportive of whatever we want, well, I worked out a deal that I get at least one more pregnancy that will be stress free and blissful. I may have set myself up for being out of the loop next time, secluded in pregnancy. But, we all know that sometimes that isn't such a bad thing.
On a cheery note, I read a lot this weekend. More to be distracted from the fact that this was our weekend we had planned to stay in, and now I wanted to be out, to keep myslef from worrying about a phone call, that now probably won't come anyway. All for nothing! To be distracted I am reading Growing Girls by Jeanne Marie Laskas and the latest Brain, Child issue. The book is great. The first chapter is sort of overwhelming in a schizophrenic sort of way. But, I am very much enjoying it. The magazine, well, when I got it I looked it over and it wasn't that appealing. The debate section really intrigued me, but then really disappointed as it lacked any real arguments on either side. But then I started reading the articles and even though I thought I wouldn't enjoy them, I was hooked. I have missed this magazine so much. I got it this year as a Christmas gift and I can't understand why I let that renewal go but have kept Martha Stewart, which definitely has slipped since 1996 when I became a subscriber. It is all cooking now and fancy decorating, very little normal people doing it yourselfing. If I had to say what magazines I most look forward to it is Marie Claire Idees, Brain, Child, and Mothering magazine. So many magazines I can't stand anymore. But, now that we went off on this long winded tangent let me also tell you about a very special gift we got this year in magazine form also. Our friends had a free bonus subscription to Time and they gave it to us. We got our first issue yesterday and I really liked that, too. Mainly because I have stopped watching news on t.v. (because so much of it is depressing and rubber neckish and because you have to weed through what they want to tell you.) But, with Time, I just read the briefs and the articles that interested me. Perfect! What magazines do you like? (As a disclaimer I also subscribe to Martha Stewart Living, Real Simple, and we just let Midwest Living and Everyday Food go.)

The Month for Change

Did you catch all that? No, hard to read. Well what I did was make a list of all the areas of my life I would like to improve. Then I made a list of the ideas I have had and assigned them to categories. So here they are. A little more specific than on the list.

Just for Me:
Take a picture everyday of my regular life. ( I love taking pictures, but easily forget unless there is an event. But, I really like the random pics better)
Learn to use my camera better by reading the manual and reading a book on digital photography.
Organize, Label, Print, and weed through digital pics on my computer.

Emotional:
Journal at least once a week.
Read the books Undoing Depression and She's Gonna Blow

Physical:
Walk for the remainder of pregnancy.
Give birth (Ha, Ha! No choice there.)
Begin running postpartum and do a Turkey Trot race.
Floss my teeth almost every day.

Creative:
Knit 4 items
Make some type of memory photo scrapbook type keepsake for my children
Make the new baby and the boy baby Christmas stockings. (Poor Oliver!)

Mom:
Read some parenting books:
Raising Your Spirited Child
Siblings without Rivalry
Playful Parenting
Hold On To Your Kids
Be more present by looking at my kids when they talk to me and getting down on their level.

Wife:
Be More Supportive, specifically complain less, especially about moving to Ohio.
Read The Lasting Promise

Home:
Write and try a cleaning schedule and try it for 1 month.
Really reduce the amount of stuff we have.
Apply It's All Too Much (I have heard good things about this book from my good friend Melissa)

Intellectual:
Write and Submit a Magazine Article (Secret dream of mine since childhood to write)

Friendship:
Keep in better touch with my friends.
Write more letters even if they are e-letters.

So many, I know, but I think I can do it. Really there isn't anything on there I don't like, except cleaning! I love to read and I own all the books already. So I am hoping to read them and then pass them on. So what are your resolutions? I know a lot of people don't believe in making resolutions. But last year I made 4 and kept them all. So, here we go. We are off. Hopefully the random pics will allow me to add more color to my blog too. I always like seeing people's pics. Hopefully at the end of the year we will all agree my pics are much better too! I will try and put up a list on the sidebar holding the books I am committed to reading and reviewing the completed ones.

Personal Inventory

I have begun to think a lot about where I am in life. I think it is partly because I will be 30 this year. It's starting to feel like time to sort of grow up and be an adult (Horrors, I know.) Do read the hesitancy there? The other big reason is January. Last year I made some new year resolutions and kept them. This year New Year's passed me by because of some drama with a houseguest who left our home in the middle of night. So now before January comes to a close I am wanted to make some commitments. I have a lot of things rolling around in my mind. Some of them are things I have wanted to do for a long time. But, like last year I want to only make attainable resolutions. I am thinking it might be good to focus on the areas of my life that are important to me and make one for each area. I think the other big reason that I am so introspective is because since moving to Cincinnati I have found it impossible to fit in. This is even in the communities where I have found so much companionship in the past. The homebirth community especially has been very closed and sort of fear-mongering and hateful. It has made me realize that to the outside world you are just what they can see. Here in Cincinnati that is judged with so much more hostility. My experience here has been tainted by midwives who have widely slandered other midwives, unnecessarily, and a woman with a heavy Kentucky accent calling me white trash for breastfeeding discreetly in public. Not a start on the right foot. But, I have been for a year and will be here for 4 mos.-4 more years. So I need to find a place to fit in and figure out what made those parts of my identity so important. I also would like to figure out why those communities here do not work for me whereas in California they were places where I felt like I belonged and found companionship. So that's what is rolling around in my head right now when I should be concentrating on driving in the snow. I am a warm blooded Californian afterall. Hopefully next time I will be back with my resolution list. If not by then, for sure by the end of the month. Did you make any resolutions? Do you keep your resolutions? I also need to post my 17 week gestational bump.

This... Right Here

Well baby, I am at a crossroads. This. Right Here. This blog. This is the special thing I am doing for you this pregnancy. Brother and Sister each got something special. For Sister who was first, it was pictures in an almost real studio while pregnant. For Brother, it was an amazing belly sculpture of his womb home at 37 weeks. For you it is this. But, at the same time I hope you will forgive how much I miss my blog. So instead of only posting about you I need to open this space back up to myself. So, I have big expectations for you. I am hoping as an adult when you read these posts you are more enamored with who I really was instead of just the mundane details I try to limit to here. That you have a broad perspective of the journey of life and how many different factors make up a person. I hope that you will have forgiveness. Because as you are about to find out I am so much less than perfect. This is the hard irony for me that every morning before I get out of bed I seem to have taken myself out of the running for mother of the year. I see the other moms around who I am sure are shoe ins. But, also, I see their lives and they seem to be missing something. Me I am not missing anything. I have all the angst and frustration of an adult survivor of a dysfuntional home and all the benefits too. I am still figuring things out. I think I must be about as human as they come. So here I am your mom. I am sure at some point you will idealize me like we all seem to do as children. But, when you grow up and really look at me and see all my flaws I hope you will celebrate them and how they have helped you grow and become the adult you will be. But, for right now I am going to share my whole self with you because it is lonely here in Ohio and I miss having these connections in the outside world, that to me will help me survive this time in this far away place that is not home. I love you and am glad you are my child. I can't wait to meet you. Love, Mom

Being Mom without Daycare

Title: Mama, Mom, Hold Me!
Occupation Hazards: Leaving the house with little girl barettes hidden in your hair (or in the front if already out for safekeeping), pouring your glass of water multiple times and forgetting where you left your 10th full cup of the day, running out of cups all in one day, sibling rivalry crossfire, poop, tripping on random toys, clothes, etc., forgetting to brush your hair, sagging breasts, falling asleep at 8pm, not being able to stop at just one, massive financial outlay, too much time spent in the laundry room, nightwaking, morning waking, a slight feeling of losing yourself, or not doing something worthwhile (this is more pronounced around jealous work all day moms), not being able to plan everything in advance, circulating viruses over and over and over again, very messy house
Occupation Benefits: All the firsts, answering questions, being able to stop and just look at your children, learning to see the world through a child's eyes, being there to give a boo boo a kiss, a house that is lived in, swinging, playing tag, scribbling, seeing your kids play together, learning patience, acceptance, and love in a deeper way, unconditional love after you just majorly screwed up lost your temper and sentenced your child to 2 years therapy in one hour, knowing that you see your kids so often that you don't have to be perfect all the time
Compensation: Hugs, Kisses, and memories your kids have with you and not the daycare provider, spontaneous moments that aren't quality time, planned, or predicted and just happen
Contact couple relations if still interested: 1st bedroom on the right, 123 your house, anywhere, any country

I have seen a lot of talk of how much a stay at home mom would earn if you were to tally up all the hours, jobs etc. But the reason stay at home moms don't get paid is because they are actually priceless. You can not put a price on all the things you receive back. Many days I find myself not so happy I am a stay at home mom, or not such a good mom. But, I am getting paid in a way that if I stop to think of I would not give up for the actual price that I should earn. This may be a job that my kids will take for granted or forget. But what I know is that both my parents and I don't remember a shared childhood at all. And my kids will have more than that! So I am happy with my pay and mostly happy with the hazards v. benefits.
Rock on Stay at home mamas. You are top of the food chain in my book!

I Didn't Pass the Mommy Exam

I have been a terrible mother today. I swear I should have my rights revoked. I have yelled and threatened and then finally...I told my daughter that I will always love her but I don't like her right now. I could list all the things she has done to get into trouble...but...they are normal little kid things. It makes me so sad that I can't keep my cool. I feel like everyday she does all the bad things she can. And I am so tired of being the mean parent. I swear other people's kids don't act like this. To make it worse everyone is always telling me how she isn't that bad and she behaves pretty good. The thing is I know what is good for her and what is trouble. And since the week before the big number 4 (which came to pass on the 1st) I have started to feel like I really do not like the little girl she is turning into. And also that I will not survive to see her turn 5. Isn't that the most terrible thing you have ever heard....
In boy news. Little boy blue learned to take off his diaper and discovered the present inside. This is Daddy territory. How do you tell a 1 year old that we only play with ourselves in that way in private?
Oh, baby, If I were you I would gestate until I was 20!

Bun in the Oven

So there it is in zero's and one's my baby belly. Oh, how fat I feel in reality. It is getting better but this pregnancy I am really struggling with my weight and body image. This is after my face has really begun thinning out and I have lost 20 pounds. Losing weight for me is pretty standard and totally OK for the baby. But, I really wish I was starting this pregnancy at my ideal weight. I have started mommy yoga and am planning on joining the YMCA so that I can use the treadmill and avoid the snow! I think mostly I want to be healthy and look healthy. The nausea still rages at times so I am still dealing with that. Other than that baby is great. I have heard the heart beat and felt movement. I was able to snag tickets to California for 60 dollars. So my first prenatal appointment will be next week! It will probably be like my first of 3 but, I am OK with that. I have a deep sense now that the pregnancy is going great.
Not much else to report here. Backache, trouble sleeping, lots of potty visits, random crying, and some grumpiness. Oh and I am really, really, tired which is why I have been so scarce here. I just haven't been able to find the energy. Oh, and there were the finals a couple weeks ago. Baby and I made it through with straight A's!!!