The Mama Chronicles

Slowly...

Coming out of my one year babymoon.  Look for a post on the one year anniversary of Ashby's birth!

Ashby Elizabeth is here!!!

She is here.  She is finally here and I have been too in love and overwhelmed to type out an official post.  Plus, I wanted to wait until we stopped long enough to listen to what she said her name was.  We didn't calm down enough until yesterday to properly understand that she wanted to be called Ashby Elizabeth.  We had spent the last few nights before she was born talking about names during dinner.  Then on July 13th she was born at 2:42 pm after 14 hours of labor.  There had been many previous nights of labor and so we were not totally sure that would be the day, when I woke up at 12.30 in the morning with contractions, again!  After she was born and we discovered she was in fact a girl.  Names started spilling from my dear friend's Mason's mouth, along with the tears from her eyes.  We were waiting for the next part of labor, the placenta and all just cuddling and amazed that we had been given such a great gift. 

This is us at that time.  Little girl is only a few minutes old.  One of the first names mentioned was Daisy and that really struck me.  Daisies are very significant to us.  They are our wedding flower and I always think of that when I see gerber daisies.  Ashby was mentioned and I said that sounds like a boy's name.  Other names were mentioned over the next day but none stuck.  The more I looked at her the more I felt like Ashby should be her name.  Ashby is a street in Berkley so it is also sort of an undercover hippie name.  Which fits since we are into the homebirth and everyone in Ohio thinks we are total hippies (they have a very general understanding there.)  I started to love the name because it was unique.  I had never heard it before.  I looked it up online and it was not in the top 1000 names for any decade.  Ashby came into the world in her own way.  She has a very special story and we were very protective of her having a homebirth.  I don't think she will ever meet anyone else who was driven in utero across the country to stay at an Auntie's house and then be delivered by that Auntie, in her home.  So Ashby became the name.  And Elizabeth is from me.  I feel such a special bond with her, just like I have with all my children.  And sharing a middle name makes us tied in a way that is special just like you are specially tied to your first son, first daughter, and probably every child in some way.  So that is it.  Ashby Elizabeth is here.  At exactly 42 weeks gestation, after spending the previous day at the beach hoping we would meet soon she was born the next day.  She was 8 lbs. 2 oz. and 20 inches long.  She looked perfect and not at all overcooked.  Although she had very long fingernails.  She nursed for two hours after being born.  I can't stop looking at her and we are all doing great.  More later, when she has slowed down growing just a touch.  (The red bruising on her face is because she had a sort of rough ride out.  But, it doesn't bother her. 
 


(The girl sure does love those fingers!  I felt her hand in her mouth almost my whole pregnancy!)

41 weeks, 1 day a.k.a. Patiently Waiting

I go overdue.  This is not a surprise that I am still pregnant.  I am OK with it most of the time.  I get irritated with other people more easily.  Well meaning comments that normally I would be able to filter.  Yesterday I had a conversation with my stepmom who I love dearly but, who I am trying to talk to less now that I am overdue.  My Dad and her remind me to call them when I am in labor and call to see how I am feeling.  Yesterday she told me about a dream she had that I had twins.  She said the thinks "it is because I am so massive this time, she means huge."  I am bigger this time.  But still so much smaller than most pregnant women. 

I was telling Mason about it and she said every pregnant women just needs to hear how beautiful they are and  that's it.  None of this worrying about the baby being overdue, assuming that they are uncomfortable.  Let's just focus on their glow.

Other things I wouldn't mind hearing:
I can't tell you are pregnant from behind.
You are carrying this baby with so much grace (meaning I am not waddling, which I'm not.)
That baby must know how safe and loved it is to want to stay inside.
You look like you are doing a great job being pregnant.
I am sure that when you and the baby are ready you will have a wonderful birth.

I have started telling people that I already have the baby when they ask and that I left it in the car.  I need more snappy comments.  So pass them on!  Still gestating in sunny CA.

Due Date!

40 weeks today.  Now we begin the waiting game.  Bleh!  I really hate due dates.  Because really they don't mean anything.  But, at the same time they change everything!  Now I can't call friends or family because they will automatically think I am in labor, or had the baby.  Also time changes.  Before today I would have been early, tomorrow will begin being late.  Just counting days.  1 day late, 2 days late, 3 days late...on and on in a never ending marching order.  Even though this is a third baby I feel like I will be totally surprised when I go into labor. 

We made it to CA just fine last Sunday.  The trip was pretty uneventful.  Ryan had thought we would be able to drive straight through.  That I would be able to sleep in the car and he would drive at night and then I would be able to drive during the day.  Obviously the man has never been 9 months pregnant!  There was no sleeping in the car.  We made it to Bloomington, IL the first night.  The second night we slept in Cheyenne, WY, and then the third night we slept in Lovelock, NV.  We tried to sleep in Winnemucca.  But they had the National High School Rodeo Championships going on and every hotel was booked.  Nevada was the hardest state, in my opinion.  First off there are not lot of bathrooms to stop at.  A 9 month pregnant woman squatting on the off ramp of dead end exits is not a graceful thing to watch.  At one stop it was so windy Ryan had to come help me balance (all in the middle of the night, so you can visualize easily.)  So he came around to help me stay upright.  It was slightly raining too.  He stood in front of me at first but decided the wind was too strong and that it would be better to have me sort of block the wind a bit.  I don't think he realized my hair was whipping the exact direction he decided to move to.  So while I was midstream with pregnant lady bladder control he moved downwind.  Bad Idea.  At first he thought maybe it was just raining harder, on his ankles.  Then the pieces fell into place. He ended up purelling his ankles and feet before we drove off.  I told him urine is fairly sterile, but that didn't really comfort him.  I think it is the yellow color of it that threw him.  But, it was dark so he should have been fine. 

This is how trips are for us.  A lot of fun.  A lot of memories.  I do so love him!  And am glad we can joke around.  I think a big part of the foundation of our marriage is crazy road trip stories.  So that is all from here.  Back where it feels like home waiting for baby and hubby who flew back to bank vacation days.  I know how crazy others, and even I, think it was to not just have my baby in the hospital in Ohio.  But, now that I am here I know I made the right decision.  I am doing this for the baby, for me, and because I believe in homebirth and every woman's right to choose what is bast for her in birth! 

Stats

If you also blog I thought you would find humor in this.  One of the things I love about typepad is that when you are really bored you can check your stats.  It shows in general where people come from to view your site.  My favorite is when people find my site through a search.  Here's the humor the two people who found my site through a search today searched for: "babes" and "Taboo Sexy Mamas."  The funny thing is when you click on the reffering site it shows you the other search results.  You can fill in the blanks for what they were and how mine was probably a big disappointment! Happy blogging.

Full Term

As I sit here with my belly swollen and stretched beyond belief I realize that the fear and anxiety that usually is keep deep down under a lid has been pushed out.  It feels like in pregnancy that you are full of fear about what to expect or about the baby and if it will stick around.  It all fits inside though because the baby is so small.  As time goes on the fear, the anxiousness morphs to be about other things but you can somehow still hold it tight between your tailbone and your growing child.  Then..you get to the end and the fear that had come up as heartburn or hiccups in small spurts flows over you as if your water has broke.  But, it is your fear waters breaking.  I think that when they talk about how your body gets looser with each pregnancy they are also talking about how much harder it is to hold in the worries.  There is something that I have heard midwives refer to at times called the third baby syndrome.  For the mother who has two wonderful babes already they begin to guess their body will betray them and something will be wrong.  That also gets coupled with the primal protective urges that you are free from in that first birth.  They are there that first time but now you see the older children as too big and mean and want to only protect the youngest.  The first time you just want to protect your child from the big bad world "out there" not "in here" with you sitting on your lap.  They can, these loved babes, in the blink of an eye go from being your sweet baby to being a monster that wants to get rid of and hurt the baby and is now double the size they were before you began to push.  This too, may not be talked about, but I notice it to be pretty universal in conversations with new moms.  It is like birth and morning sickness though:  You forget. 

For me nighttime is always scariest.  I don't lay there worried so much about the baby, well just a little, I lay there worried that ever bit of gas is labor starting that the hard kicks that still come and hurt are maybe contractions.  I worry that this baby will be born in Ohio and then I worry that Ryan won't be there for the birth and then I worry that the baby will be born in California or on the way out there.  I forget everything I know about birth and pregnant women and I simply am a pregnant woman.  I think that has been the hardest thing about living in a state where they prosecute midwives as felons currently, that as I try to be my own midwife I can not separate that I am a the client.  I am the pregnant woman.  I can be objective, palpate, ausculate heart tones, measure fundal height, monitor and chastize myself over my diet, take blood pressure.  But, I can not sit there and hold my hand.  It just doesn't work.  I can look at my fears and say they are unwarranted, but I can't give the comfort that makes the feelings go away.  So, I try to remain calm.  I don't think I will be there until July 4th though when Ryan flies into CA and we are able to have a homebirth the way we want and everyone is present and accounted for.  And then I do think I will be able to get a lid on most of my stress and anxiety until the baby is born and totally when I am tucked into my own bed, back home, nursing, and sleeping, and getting cut fruit broght to me with a more room for the new fears that come with being a new mother, again. 

I am able to have a man listen to my irrationalness and give some empathy and love.  Because I have a husband that is that good.  He is that good during the day.  At night though, when I crawl next to him crying and manipulate his arms so that he is holding me and helping me hold the fear in...well, he's a hard sleeper and not much better than a doll.  So, deep breath and I will try to keep holding my own hand until we leave next Friday and get there the week after. 

37 weeks, 2 days

I am well aware that woman two streets over thinks I only look 5 mos.  pregnant.  But, I will let you all in on a little secret.  I am the biggest I have been in the three pregnancies.  Can you see all those stretch marks?  They are there with new ones for my new girth.  So here I am at 37 weeks.  Things to note about these pictures:  my plum colored stethescope ( a Littman Cardiology, very upscale and top of the line)  we picked up some of our nursing supplies for next year last week.  This is my stethescope!  Don't I look nursy?  I had to get the Cardiology one because of hearing issues I have.  I had to get plum colored because it is way cool!  Also the red kicks.  Those are new.  I have wanted the Little Red Riding Converse but they are all sold out.  So I am settling.  And the new maternity clothes.  I think everyone should get a new outfit at 8 mos. pregnant.  Clothing wise all I bought this pregnancy that was maternity was two t- shirts, and this outfit, and a swim suit from Target.  Everything else was from Gap.  They are not the best in their practices, but at least you don't sell your name to the Formula companies like Motherhood Maternity chain. 
Cute shoe, huh?


This last picture is obviously not of me.  It is our first bird friend to visit our birdfeeder after a few weeks of waiting for them to discover it.  We had another friend discover it today, too, a very common small brown bird. 

Dear full term babe,

I feel you kicking and squirming so much less now.  I think you are getting a bit crowded.  We are now in the home stretch.  You are full term now which means a lot less hassle if you come early before we get to California.  It is so different being pregnant with you.  I feel now that we are at the end that I had taken the time to exercise more and eat better.  That I had taken better care of myself and you.  I know you and I are healthy.  But, I feel bad for being distracted.  This may be the way it goes with a bigger family.  Being pregnant with you has been very emotional.  I have feel a little pulled in all directions.  I feel this way regularly with your sister and brother.  But, I have a plan and I think things will be calmer after you get here.  Separate from you I feel like I am maturing and growing so much.  That it feels like a lot is going on. 

I think the other thing I want to clarify with you is that even though we had planned on waiting to add to our family you are much loved.  This baby planning business is hairy in that way.  The words unplanned or unexpected can have such negative conotations.  What I have learned from the birth of your sister is that each of you, our children, have been a gift.  A gift and a blessing.  Really each one of you has come at such a time in my life that I felt the affirmation and love and blessing and encouragement in every area of my life.  I wonder as I wait to meet you what you will teach me.  I am open to the possibility that I may not be able to go to school in the Fall.  That the right thing may be to stay home with you and delay becoming a nurse midwife.  If it had not been the surprise of having your sister I would have never known that I was meant to be a midwife in the first place.  So it is not a bad thing to sit holding your baby and wait for better timing for things like school and such.  I know now as a mother of 2 and you that this is the blessing of motherhood to witness what goes by so quick.  So I do not at all feel like it is a sacrifice in the long run but more a gift.  A gift of time and maturity and more life experience.  I wanted to tell you all this because the fact is you were not planned and you will change our lives.  But, you are meant to be in our family and it is bearing unknown gifts that you come.  So be well baby, I love you.  I will see you soon.  Face to face. 
Love, Mom
PS. According to an online source you are now, at 37 weeks, the length of swiss chard and weigh about 6.5 pounds.  I would guess knowing us that you are that long but maybe a little lighter. 

2 Days Left!!!

Sign up now for the little people swap on the road edition.  There are only 2 days left to get your name in!  It looks like it is going to be a lot of fun.  Don't be intimidated by the more structuredness of it.  It still is very openended and I think some may be intimidated by the making a scrapbook.  But, all you have to do for that is even buy a little flip book where you slide the pics in from the drugstore and lable the pics.  Or less if you aren't a scrapbooker.  I'm not.  :)  So get on over and follow the sign up instructions!  Little People on the Roadswap.

Needing to have less

(this photo is of a coat rack our friends painted and carved for Lacy as a gift.  When we lived in the 80 year old house we couldn't hang it on the plaster walls.  This is one huge benefit to a new house I guess.  You can nail something up every 6-8 inches.)

Lately, I have found myself needing to have less.  Not that I feel like I need less or that I have gotten rid of a lot of things but that I have this need to simplify.  I have this desire to have less.  To have peace.  Which is funny in a way because I am in the process of getting ready to make all of our lives more complicated with the birth of a third child.  But, I notice when we clean a room, that I feel better.  I think relationally my life has more peace now than it has had in a few years.  Maybe it is from this emotional peace that I am starting to want to have peace in all areas of my life.  This is, I think, the blessing of my thirties that I am able to stop living in a chaotic way.  For the last 3 years we were in California we were always two weeks away from being relocated with Ryan's company.  I think this frantic unknown started to take hold in so many ways.

The other place I see this simplicity calling to me is in my desire to have rhythms.  I have been reading a book called Beyond The Rainbow Bridge that is essentially a how to on Waldorf for the first 7 years of your child's life in your home.  Although I do not subscribe to Waldorf in a lot of ways I am seeing the need of my children, especially Lacy to have more rhythm and and be able to tune in to the high energy times by recharging with low energy times.  The breathe in and breathe out of Waldorf education.  In the past I have known parents who are very strict with schedules.  I notice with these kids that they get very upset when their routine is modified slightly.  I think as a young parent I avoided routines and schedules for this reason.  I only saw the extreme.  Also, when I was having Lacy and Oliver the big thing to do in our church was Babywise, which has been shown to be so bad for kids.  So I wanted to not have any schedule or routine.  I wanted my kids to feel free.  But, as we clean out and prepare for another baby I see that our "freedom" has become restricted by what we own and by not following the kids natural emotional and physical rhythms and cues.  I think part of this realization took root when Lacy turned four and it became apparent that she had to have a nap, every day.  She hadn't napped since she was 2 and 3/4.  Something about turning four though changed that.  She is once again outgrowing naps but I see how for her these are a much larger scale of the breathing in and breathing out times utilized in Waldorf day schools. 

As for me, I need some rhythm.  What I really need are some anchors that I can depend on each day.  Ways to keep up and feel centered.  I need to have and find a rhythm to housekeeping and eating in order to be able tune into the patterns my kids and I have so that I will notice more quickly when my kids need more or less sleep.  This is instead of the scratching my head and wondering why my child has become a little troublemaker and worrying that they are doomed to a life of juvenile court and lonliness, before realizing, Oh yeah, they need 3 more hours of sleep per day now.  It reminds me of when they were babies and we would have few nights where they had trouble sleeping and were nursing all night and I would think this baby is never going to let me sleep again.  And then bleary eyed a few days later I would look down and see the runny nose and the beginning of a cold, or the tooth that starts coming through.  I think the chaos and the stuff makes it hard sometimes for me to tune into these things and I end up feeling like I am one step behind. 

The other thing that I really like in this book is that she talks about focusing on the task you are doing.  If you are washing the dishes she says you should pay attention to that and not be frantically rushing through and preoccupied with what you are going to do next.  Let me tell you right now being SO pregnant this is SO hard for me.  I am perpetually thinking of the next thing I have to do before we leave for CA to have the baby.  I am thinking of the next thing I need to get done before I have a newborn again.  I am pretty preoccupied all the time.  So, this calls to me.  As a way to start.  To be present and engaged in the task I am doing.  That is what is going on here. 

I am going to be very sporadic on the blog.  I have gotten very uncomfortable and have a lot of nesting I need to do before we fly the nest.  We leave in 2 weeks.  I am trying to learn self hypnosis for the birth  and as a way to not worry if we will be in the right place with Ryan there for the birth.  I think this pregnancy has been the hardest one because of all the legal issues with midwives here in Ohio and the result being that I have to do my own prenatal care and am lacking the emotional support that is so important in pregnancy.  It has been a really rough road and I am just now realizing the impact on me as a mother.  Having midwifery skills does not make me able to give to myself as care provider.  It means I can take all the necessary measurements and vitals but not that I can just be the mom worrying and emotional.  I think that I will feel a really big relief when the baby is in our arms and I am able to just be a mother.  It will be great to get to be taken care of as we wait for the baby in Ca and have someone else do my blood pressure, listen and palpate the baby and monitor all the diet and other things.  My other reason for absence is that I need to start journaling.  Everything is great here I just am in that really introspective huge pregnant big as a house phase.  :)